By Times staff writers
© St. Petersburg Times
published January 6, 2002

Every year, we wait until December to put together our big year-in-review story, and every year we get stressed out because we waited until the last minute.

Well, not this year! In 2002, we've resolved to be so efficient that we'll actually cover the news before it happens. (The problem, always, is getting decent pictures.)

Here, then, is the year that hasn't happened yet, in review.

-- Times staff writers

JANUARY

16 -- Newly sworn-in St. Petersburg Police Chief Chuck Harmon resigns under pressure after a report surfaces that a vending machine operator stocking Coke machines at the police station overheard Harmon saying a burglary suspect was "as quiet as a mouse."

26 -- In his first interview since he quit the bench rather than face impeachment hearings in the Florida House, former Hillsborough Judge Robert Bonanno says he was looking for his car keys when he was discovered in the darkened office of Judge Gregory Holder in July 2000. "They're always the last place you look," he says. 28 -- Dow down slightly.

29 -- Dow on Paxil, feeling a little better.

FEBRUARY

3 -- The Tampa Bay Buccaneers become the first team in history to forfeit the Super Bowl when they fail to show up for the game. Caught in traffic on I-75, the team bus tries to bull straight ahead but is stopped after only three yards. Coach Tony Dungy rejects any suggestion that the team fly to New Orleans.

6 -- Foreign correspondents returning from assignment in Afghanistan create a fashion sensation out of the shalwar kameez, the loose shirt and baggy trousers they wore to blend in with the natives. Tommy Hilfiger releases a line of shalwar kameez in bold American flag patterns.

8 -- Seeking a ratings boost during the all-important February "sweeps," CBS replaces The Early Show with dead air.

20 -- Airplane travelers take to wearing shower sandals to speed up long security lines. Man with large cowboy hat concealing a bomb is permitted to board trans-Atlantic flight from Paris.

26 -- Channelside PR people say their ad campaign featuring "$19.95 for dinner and a movie at Channelside," a success at first, is starting to falter. They launch a new ad campaign offering "$14.95 for dinner, a movie and valet parking."

MARCH

1 -- Michael Jordan retires, for a third time, from professional basketball and announces plans to someday take a position on an issue.

4 -- Riding post-Olympics "Mormon Mania," the Osmond Family quits Branson, Mo., for a triumphant world tour. The Who is forced to cancel its annual farewell tour as promoters rush to book more-wholesome bands.

15 -- Channelside's new offer: $9.95 for dinner, a movie, valet parking, and you get to slap anyone you choose at that sing-along piano bar.

16 -- Dan Lea, former proprietor of the Chatterbox in Tampa, announces his candidacy for mayor. "I'm a people person," he says. "Besides, for all those years, I kept records of everyone who showed up for a pop midafternoon -- and who they showed up with." Legions of business and civic leaders throw their support to his campaign.

24 -- In a split vote among lackluster entries, the Academy Award for Best Picture goes to Dude, Where's My Car?

APRIL

2 -- Channelside will give you $19.95 and pick you up at your house if you'll come over for dinner and a movie.

10 -- Newly sworn-in St. Petersburg Police Chief Omali Yeshitela resigns under pressure after a Publix checkout clerk overhears a woman in the next aisle tell the bag boy that her brother, who used to be a traffic officer, once heard Chief Yeshitela say a suspect was acting "squirrelly."

15 -- Former Hillsborough Judge Robert Bonanno is discovered in the darkened City Council office of Charlie Miranda, a contender for Tampa mayor. Bonanno says he was sleepwalking. "I don't remember anything. I sleep very soundly."

23 -- A game at Tropicana Field between the Tampa Bay Devil Rays and the Minnesota Twins is declared a tie when both teams are disbanded in the fourth inning. The crowd of 166 hangs around for an hour to see the infield crew dance to that Jimmy Buffett song.

28 -- Airplane travelers take to shaving their hair to speed up long security lines. Man with fake hunchback concealing bomb is permitted to board trans-Atlantic flight.

MAY

6 -- Saying former journalist and Black Panther Mumia Abu-Jamal is "actually a pretty good guy, except for killing that cop," a federal judge once again sentences him to death. Abu-Jamal's supporters express their outrage in a very hot letter to the editor.

8 -- In an effort to consolidate their audiences during the all-important May "sweeps," cable TV giants join forces as MSNBCNN, set to air on the Fox News network.

11 -- A final, exhaustive inquiry into the Feb. 18, 2001, death of NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt concludes that he probably would not have been killed if he "had done something else for a living."

14 -- Record rains swamp the Midwest, causing widespread flooding. The Rev. Jerry Falwell blames "abortionists, feminists, gays and lesbians."

23 -- The government reports that the number of Americans seeking concealed weapons permits continues to grow, post Sept. 11. Citizens of Muncie, Ind., vow that if Osama bin Laden shows up there, they'll blast him.

JUNE

2 -- Midwest farmers report a smaller-than-usual corn crop. In response, Americans buy medium-range missiles.

3 -- Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan announces 27th interest rate cut in the last year, creating the unprecedented negative lending rate situation in which banks are forced to give money to people who don't even want it. The move is criticized roundly as "too little too late."

11 -- The word actualwhereaboutsofosamabinladen is added to the Webster's Unabridged Broadcast News Dictionary.

21 -- The dressing-room demands list for the Rolling Stones' 40th anniversary tour includes organic bran muffins, Tagamet and glucosamine tabs. Onstage, giant TV screens with large-print lyrics replace giant inflatable penises. Supermodels still welcome backstage -- they can keep an eye on the grandkids.

30 -- Channelside U-Stor-It opens.

JULY

1 -- Hockey season enters 57th consecutive month.

2 -- Author J.K. Rowling releases Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, in which Harry is reunited, through magic, with his long-dead parents. Now 15, he calls them "dorks" and refuses to be seen with them. Millions of parents urge their children to stop reading and return to video games.

11 -- Newly sworn-in St. Petersburg Police Chief Rick Baker forces himself to resign after he admits to himself that he had once described himself as a "silly goose."

15 -- In a stunt timed to the all-important July "sweeps," Geraldo airs prime-time special, Unsealing the Tomb of Osama bin Laden. Millions tune in as Geraldo, who like many Afghans uses only one name, pushes back a large rock to the cave that he says contains the remains of the missing terrorist leader. The camera lights reveal several large crates stencilled with the words: "Al Capone's Treasure."

AUGUST

9 -- Greenspan, still trying to turn around a slumping economy, cuts off his finger. Vows more of the same if his demands are not met.

17 -- New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg, unable to win the confidence of poor voters who felt neglected during his campaign, offers to purchase them for $63-million.

22 -- With a comfortable lead in the polls, Gov. Jeb Bush issues a polite statement in which he declines to debate Democratic gubernatorial challenger Janet Reno. Reno orders campaign aides to storm the governor's mansion with "flash-bang" devices and burn it to the ground.

24 -- Not a damned thing happens anywhere.

SEPTEMBER

2 -- America celebrates the dedication of its workers with 2,546 backyard propane gas explosions.

3 -- U.S. Rep. Gary Condit is defeated in his bid for re-election, losing to his challenger in the Democratic primary, 46,455-5.

20 -- MTV advertises Britney Spears Unplugged. Show never airs. A leaked copy of a practice session shows the busty young lip-synching sensation staring blankly at an acoustic guitar.

OCTOBER

1 -- Airplane travelers arrive at airports naked and without luggage to speed up long security lines. Man waving a bomb and shouting "I'm a terrorist!" is permitted to board trans-Atlantic flight from Paris.

9 -- Former Hillsborough Judge Robert Bonanno says he merely wanted to see if Tampa City Council member and mayoral candidate Rose Ferlita was interested in buying Amway products when he was discovered in Ferlita's darkened office. "You've got to knock on a lot of doors to sell a little tub and tile cleaner," he explains.

15 -- USF president Judy Genshaft announces the firing of a controversial literature professor. "He gave a couple of students D's, and they keyed his car in the parking lot. We couldn't guarantee his safety. Besides, I didn't like his attitude," Genshaft says.

NOVEMBER

5 -- In the closest gubernatorial vote in Florida history, Gov. Bush defeats Reno by six votes. Reno plays loud Christmas music outside the Governor's Mansion, saying she won't stop until she gets a recount. Palm Beach County voters complain that the ballot confused them. Pat Buchanan is elected a county commissioner.

7 -- Former New York Mayor Rudolph Giuliani is named special prosecutor in the trial of American Taliban fighter John Walker Lindh. Wearing an "I Love New York" baseball cap, Giuliani's opening statement contains the memorable line: "In Marin County they call it a "voyage of discovery.' Well, here in the United States we just call it "stupid.' "

23 -- In a move to boost ratings during the all-important November "sweeps," CBS debuts a sitcom, All-Important November Sweeps, about zany network executives who dream up ratings stunts. Bette Midler, Jason Alexander star.

25 -- NBC debuts a spinoff series called The West Wing House, in which waitresses in tight halter tops debate foreign policy with lunching White House staffers.

DECEMBER

5 -- Former pop star Michael Jackson, 44, undergoes surgery to correct his vision, although he only needs ordinary reading glasses. "Nothing to hold them up," a spokesperson explains.

20 -- Time magazine names Vice President Dick Cheney "Person of the Year," but is forced to use an artist's rendering of the veep when Cheney can't be located for the cover shoot.

21 -- Responding to news of a rogue, late-season hurricane forming in the Atlantic, Americans buy F-16s and hire bands of mercenaries.

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