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Gimme five

By JOHN ROMANO, Times Staff Writer
© St. Petersburg Times
published January 16, 2002

TALK OF THE TOWN

Five topics suitable for inane debate on talk radio:

1. WAS TONY DUNGY'S FIRING JUSTIFIED?: You can argue either way, but Dungy at least understands the business. He cut Brad Culpepper, he benched Shaun King, he fired Les Steckel. It's the NFL's occupational hazard.

2. BILL PARCELLS: The Glazers were shocked -- shocked! -- to find that Parcells was available. And they have absolutely no idea how Parcells' rubber floaty ended up in Malcolm's hot tub.

3. IS ANYBODY WATCHING?: There have been six teams with African-American head coaches in the past 13 years. Those coaches have combined to reach the playoffs 18 times in 27 seasons, a success rate of 67 percent. Yet Herm Edwards is the only African-American currently employed as head coach. Just thought you might want to know.

4. OFFENSIVE STAFF: Is there a reason they haven't been fired yet? If not, we could organized a search party to go from closet to closet at One Buc Place looking for them.

5. RICH McKAY: Do you get the feeling McKay is the smartest man in the bay area? He can get a contract extension and a new title -- Front Office Guy in Charge of Organizing Golf Outings -- then slip back into the GM role once Parcells wears out his 15-minute welcome.

A LIST OF FIVE

Five real reasons the Glazers fired Dungy:

5. Tired of his foul mouth.

4. He parked in Joel's space.

3. Jumped as soon as they heard Marty Schottenheimer was available.

2. Dungy always let his son pick up the kicking tees even though he knew Bryan wanted a turn.

1. Dad made us.

GIMME FIVE RESIGNATIONS

Seeing as how the Glazers only late Tuesday contacted Parcells (and George Bush never heard of Enron) this might be a bit presumptuous. But what the heck ... As a gruff football coach, Parcells seems awfully wishy-washy. By our count, he has quit five jobs and backed away from at least two others since winning his last Super Bowl. So, if he does come here, do not anticipate a long visit. Let's recap some of the more infamous stories of how the Big Tuna got away:

1. JAN. 27, 1991: After winning his second Super Bowl with the Giants, Parcells was asked about rumors he was going to resign. "The last time we won one of these, there was a little controversy about me," Parcells said. "There's not going to be any controversy." Four months later, he resigned.

2. DEC. 29, 1991: After Parcells spent a week denying he had contact with Tampa Bay, then-Bucs owner Hugh Culverhouse announced Parcells reneged on an agreement for a five-year deal. Turns out, Parcells had met twice with Culverhouse to discuss the job. "We had not agreed," Parcells later insisted. "I never said I would take the job at Tampa Bay." After the Bucs fiasco, Parcells talked to the Packers about a job before pulling out of the running. Four days later, Parcells asked the Bucs if their offer was still open. Culverhouse said no and hired Sam Wyche. A week later, Parcells contacted the Vikings to see if their job was still open. It wasn't.

3. JAN. 20, 1997: As Parcells prepares the Patriots for Super Bowl XXXI, he is asked about a report that he will resign after the game. "This is old news," Parcells said. "I'm not going to discuss this. Nothing's changed just because there's another report out." Eleven days later, he resigned.

4. JAN. 3, 2000: Parcells resigns as Jets coach to take a front office job. He said his days on the sideline were over. "Write it on your chalkboards: I'm not coaching any more games," he said.

5. JAN. 9, 2001: Parcells resigns as Jets director of football operations. "People don't know how consuming this job is the way I do it," Parcells said. "With the season over and now faced with hiring a new coach, I don't feel I want do all that again."

FIVE CLASSIFIED ADS

Checking out five possible jobs for Dungy to land:

1. COLTS COACH: Their last was Jim Mora, who had an 0-6 career playoff record. At 2-4, Dungy looks like Vince Lombardi.

2. PANTHERS COACH: Last in the NFC in total offense. It's perfect!

3. CHARGERS COACH: Folks in San Diego were impressed with how quickly he dumped Ryan Leaf.

4. DEVIL RAYS MANAGER: Owners promise they won't complain about playoff losses.

5. TIMES SPORTS EDITOR: Dungy is intelligent, dignified, conservative. Nah, they'll never hire him.

FINAL FIVE WORDS

God bless you, Tony Dungy.

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