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Gimme Five

By JOHN ROMANO, Times Staff Writer
© St. Petersburg Times
published January 19, 2002

• What happened • Reaction • Dungy talks to Carolina; Bucs return 'doubtful' • Shouldn't they have seen this coming? • So who's next? • What they are saying about Parcells

TALK OF THE TOWN

Five topics suitable for inane debate on talk radio:

BILL PARCELLS: His ego is so large, his heart has no room for a conscience. That explains how he could deceive the Glazers, tease the populace and undermine Tony Dungy's career seemingly without a care. His legacy has gone from winner to whimper.

DEJA DOO DOO: It was 10 years and 20 days ago that Parcells snubbed Tampa Bay the first time. Back then, Bucs owner Hugh Culverhouse stood alone at a news conference and said he felt as if he had been jilted at the altar. This marriage went even further. From here, it looks like the Glazers just got consummated.

HOO BOY!: Jim Mora, Marty Schottenheimer and Denny Green were fired this month and are available. Between them, they have combined for 25 playoff appearances. Now if you want to be a stickler, you could also point out that they are 9-25 in the postseason and, in coaching stops in New Orleans, Indianapolis, Cleveland, Kansas City, Washington and Minnesota, have never taken a team to the Super Bowl. Just another reminder of how difficult it is to win. And how important it is to hold on to winners.

FRIENDS IN POWERFUL PLACES: A deeply devoted Christian like Dungy never would wish for ill will toward others like the Glazer family, but if this sorry episode doesn't qualify as the biblical definition of smite then I don't know what does.

RICH McKAY: Do you get the feeling he is the smartest man in the Tampa Bay area? He can get a contract extension and a new title -- Front Office Guy in Charge of Organizing Golf Outings -- then slip back into the GM role once Parcells wears out his 15-minute welcome. (That exact paragraph ran in this exact place on Tuesday. At the time, we thought we were exaggerating about the 15 minutes. Turns out, we oversold it. And McKay is back in charge.)

THE NEXT FIVE CANDIDATES

SAM WYCHE: Since it worked so well the last time Parcells stiffed the Bucs.

GEORGE O'LEARY: Sure, there are some drawbacks. But at least he had the gumption to put his lies in writing. He didn't leak, sneak, tamper and spy like some two-time-Super-Bowl-winning-dirtbag we know.

WEEB EWBANK: Pros -- The only head coach to win championships in both the AFL and the NFL. Cons -- He may be dead. We're checking.

JAMES GANDOLFINI: The actor plays an overweight, overbearing, overpaid slug from Jersey in The Sopranos. So at the very least we know he can imitate Parcells.

TONY DUNGY: He was the best candidate out there in 1996. And that was before he took a team to the playoffs four times in six years.

FIVE OTHER NOTABLE REJECTIONS

1. "No thanks, Gov. Connally. You can sit in the front."

2. "I'm too limited as Col. Blake. I need to branch out as an actor."

3. "Forget it, Gotti. I'll move the car when I'm good and ready."

4. "Your painting still stinks. And get that ear off my desk."

5. "We're sorry, Tony. We've decided to go in another direction."

FIVE EXPLANATIONS FOR PARCELLS WIMPING OUT

1. After watching Bryan and Joel Glazer's news conference, Parcells was adamant that he could not work for people who were even bigger liars than he is.

2. The Bucs agreed to a $6-million annual salary to go along with a new car. But they balked at his request for a Dunkin' Donuts credit card.

3. Bet his friends that the Glazers could not possibly be as gullible as they look. Turns out, he was wrong.

4. Jeremy Foley dropped by and talked him out of it.

5. If he took the job in Tampa Bay, he couldn't spend all next season denying he was working covertly to get Mike Sherman's job in Green Bay.

FINAL FIVE WORDS

%$&$# %$(*& $#@&% Bill Parcells.

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