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© St. Petersburg Times, published February 16, 2002
LUTZ -- Shut up and stand still.
"That's all you need to know for now," John Byrnes said. "The rest you'll learn as we go along."
I confessed that I knew little about the game and was nervous when my boss asked me to be an "Honorary Observer" at the Verizon Classic.
"I've taken two golf lessons," I said. "I know how to hook and slice but that is about it."
Byrnes, a retired New York City policeman, admitted his game also could use some help.
"What's my handicap?" he said. "Whenever I am playing."
But skill, knowledge, or taste for that matter, were not prerequisites when choosing the "Honorary Observers" who would be allowed "inside the ropes" to follow the pros for the first time in Senior PGA Tour history.
Byrnes won his spot in a contest.
"Fair enough," said John Schroeder, one of three pros in our group. "But how did you weasel your way in here?" he said, eyeing my press pass.
"I'm a newspaper man," I said. Schroeder smiled, as if to reassure that he had chosen the word weasel carefully.
Hale Irwin, the winningest golfer in Senior PGA Tour history, greeted us with the old rush chairman "glad to meet you" handshake, as did Bob Gilder, the defending Verizon Classic champion.
The whole idea of the honorary observer program, we had been told earlier, was to create a more "fan friendly" atmosphere at Senior PGA Tour events. The Verizon Classic would be one of several test venues this season.
But even a seasoned golfer such as Byrnes found it hard to hide his excitement when a consummate pro such as Irwin smacked the ball two-thirds of the way down a 395-yard fairway.
"These guys can sure hit the ball," Byrnes said. "Look at that shot!"
With that, one of the many blue-shirted volunteers on hand to keep order gave us a look that meant "curb your enthusiasm." Chastised, we slithered behind the two scorers and standard-bearer that made up the rest of our party, and watched as Irwin, Gilder and Schroeder shot par again.
Halfway through the front nine, we found ourselves rooting out loud for each of the golfers on every shot.
"Shake the ground a little and maybe it will go in," Byrnes whispered as one of Gilder's putts stopped inches short of the hole. The remark drew another stern look from one of the blue-shirted volunteers.
"You must be the official shusher," I said, pointing out that the trucks barreling down Veterans Expressway made more noise than anybody in the crowd.
It didn't matter. Irwin, Gilder and Schroeder were halfway to the next green.
"The difference between these guys and regular golfers is that they never have to chase the ball into the woods," Byrnes said. "The game goes fast when you know what you're doing."
After the ninth hole, Irwin was 3 under, Gilder was at par and Schroeder, who didn't mind a little friendly banter with the observers, was 2 over.
As the afternoon wore on and the sun rose higher in the sky, however, tempers were put to the test. A couple of wide shots and missed putts and next thing you know, a cart gets kicked, a club gets tossed and somebody in the crowd mutters, "They are human after all."
But Byrnes, who had seen it all in 27 years as a cop, was undeterred.
"Keep a positive attitude," he told Schroeder as he headed toward the green to follow up a difficult second shot. The pro made his putt, and as he walked back to his cart, Byrnes offered his two cents.
"Now that's keeping it positive," Byrnes said.
By the 18th hole, all three men had gotten their games back. And Honorary Observer Byrnes offered a hearty "God Bless," with every well-placed shot.
Irwin finished 1 under. Gilder was 2 over and Schroeder was 3 over.
Byrnes and I agreed that we both could do a lot with the $225,000 that would go to the winner. I'd buy a new boat; Byrnes would share his with the families of his fallen comrades in New York.
"I think I am going to hit the senior tour when I turn 50," I told him. "That gives me nine years to get ready."
Byrnes agreed to be my caddie. He'd be the only 70-year-old on the tour.
"You better start practicing," he said.
Yes, I agreed, especially hitting the ball straight.