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Gold medal to the Bucs in 'Goofy Coach Hunt'
© St. Petersburg Times Okay, so the Bucs hired a coach, or so they say -- and they haven't lied to us yet, have they? That came just as I was speculating whether French figure-skating judge Marie-Reine Le Gougne should take her name off the list of prospects for the job. Even with the knee-capping and corrupt judging that have marred the sport of figure skating, corruption in Olympic site selection politics, eastern European women with beards in the shot put and a long history of athletes showing up with the blood chemistry of a Chernobyl lizard on chelation therapy, Le Gougne probably would have preferred to stay with an organization that had more credibility than the Buccaneers. My guess is that she could have joined American Taliban member John Walker Lindh, drag Queen Ru Paul, comedian Henny Youngman (who has been dead for three years) and virtually every available coach in the NFL in turning down offers from the Buccaneers, whose Three-Stooges-Meet-Stalin management style had made the search difficult. The Bucs were talking to San Francisco 49ers Coach Steve Mariucci on Sunday, but that went the way of most similar conversations. Retired Buffalo Bills coach Marv Levy had offered to take the job for a year, but there are rumors that Levy withdrew his offer because team dietitians wouldn't institute an early-bird special, and the job could interfere with shuffleboard season. "I knew we would find someone" said a Buccaneers spokesman who refused to give his name because the team's owners don't know who he is and haven't been able to fire him yet. As he spoke during a luncheon interview, the food server heard his remark, grabbed two table knives and used them to form a cross that she kept between her and the spokesman as she backed away toward the kitchen. "There are more ways than one to recruit coaches," said the spokesman, who said the hand-lettered fliers with tear-off telephone numbers that were posted in coin operated laundries across the country were only one idea. "We had considered the temp route, which had the advantage that many of the young women they sent over don't know anything about football and were willing to work for minimum wage if we threw in dental," he said. He dismissed stories that recent talks with Rich McKay, the Bucs general manager, had anything to do with discussions about what it would take for McKay to stay on another year at a franchise that continues to make him look even more foolish than his predecessors. "It had nothing to do with ways to keep him here," said the spokesman, "we just loaned him a copy of Gone With the Wind, and he decided to tour Atlanta." Other possibilities, he said, included contracting the job out to the Peace Corps. "It's easy to find people there who are used to a hostile local populace and political situation, don't mind a hot humid climate and cockroaches the size of pot holders and are idealistic enough to take on hopeless causes." The possibility of a lottery where a new coach would be selected in a drawing from names of all available NFL coaches and assistant coaches was abandoned. Apparently too many of those who would have been in the pool began updating their passports and answering advertisements that said they could live like kings in Third World countries on minimal incomes. "I know you reporter guys all like to be as negative as possible," said the spokesman, "but I am here to tell you that the Glazer family is dedicated to continuing to provide football of the level of quality that Tampa Bay residents have come to expect from all professional sports franchises in their area . . . or they may open a wings place with scantily clad women; it's a tossup right now. "But," he cautioned, we will not look kindly on any remarks on that being the only way the Glazers can get close to scantily clad women." The spokesman was about to explain another recruiting technique involving doctored photographs and affidavits from the owners of leather bars but was interrupted when news about the hiring came. He seemed serious, but I'm still waiting for the "gotcha."
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