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Caught in the middle
By CECILIA A. TUCKER
© St. Petersburg Times
published February 25, 2002
First of two parts
I already have written about how it feels to be in a family where there was a divorce, but there is another "middle" that is different from that middle. You see, now I am struggling with a fight between my parent and my sibling. The divorce is over and has been for years, yet my parents still have not been able to figure out a way to be friends. That complicates the next issue: We had been following the visitation schedule as if it were law, until my sibling (we are both teenagers) decided not to spend time with one of our parents. That was when this serious conflict in our family got out of control.
I am not here to take sides; that would serve no purpose. I am not saying teenagers should or shouldn't be able to schedule their own lives at a given age. I am not saying a judge has the right to force visitation or that a parent should stop paying child support if the child doesn't want a relationship. I am not giving my opinion about whether the laws are right or wrong. I am not saying my sibling is being unfair, or that one of my parents is trying to "steal" a child from the other one. I am simply going to tell you how I feel most of the time, living in this chaos and going through one court battle after another.
I hate coming home, and I hate visiting with the parent who feels alienated, because both situations make me feel bad.
This is what happens when I am with my "primary residential parent." I overhear conversations in my house filled with derogatory and mean-spirited remarks about my other parent whom, by the way, I happen to love. I hear things that I am not sure are true, but I am sure I will not ask the absent parent to explain the accusation so I can get both sides of the story. Then I hear the way my sibling plots to avoid the other parent, and I feel disloyal. Sometimes the parent with the primary custody defends the other when my sibling trashes that one, but usually nothing is said. I think the silence condones the rule breaking. I have often wondered how the other one would feel if the tables were turned.
When I visit the parent who is being denied the right to see both children, I feel sad. I shudder to think I might be pumped for information; I don't want to have to talk about the issue at all. I overhear the legal struggles and how time for resolving this problem is running out. I am always afraid some legal decision will be made, and I will be caught having to choose a side. Often I think my shunned parent feels hopeless and is running out of options. I wonder if that parent really even enjoys the time with me or whether the issue with my sibling is all-consuming. Sometimes I find myself wanting to scream this message:
"Stop waiting for something magical to happen with the situation. You have me, don't you? Don't be so worried about lost time with my sibling, because it is sidetracking you so much you are missing quality time with me. I know both of us are important, but don't feel so hopeless that your depression gets in the way of our relationship."
Next: I will not take sides.
Here's the rest of today's Xpress
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