Can I fix my anger?

I am angry at almost everyone about almost everything. I can't seem to put my finger on what ticks me off. I have been told I have a chip on my shoulder, but I want to scream out that it feels more like a boulder. I have tried all the traditional ways to rid myself of this horrible, ongoing feeling, but nothing seems to be working.

People have suggested punching bags, ripping pages out of the phone book, hitting the pillow, martial arts and yelling. I have even gone the counseling route. Nothing seems to move me beyond this obstacle. I am beginning to think this is the way I will always be.

Yes, I have issues like most everyone else in life that I know. My parents have their problems, which interfere with my everyday life. But it is really not their fault that I am mad all the time, even though I like to blame my anger on them.

I have problems at school with teachers and some of the administrators, but usually nothing I didn't create. I don't like my youth group at church, and the other teenagers in the group don't like me much either. I have had jobs before, but I end up walking out before I get fired. I have had a few encounters with the law, but I have not been arrested.

The people I call friends come and go. Often they leave me over a conflict that I have done my fair share to cause. I am not dating anyone right now because I can't hold my temper; I run everyone away from me. I sound like a real loser, don't I? I struggle every day with feeling lonely but when I try to connect, I always mess it up. I am not sure I can be fixed! Am I permanently broken?

What causes this continuous anger? Sometimes I feel like yelling as loudly as I can, but when I open my mouth nothing comes out. I think I feel depressed a lot of the time, but why should I be depressed? My life is not that miserable. Am I just feeling sorry for myself? Is depression really anger turned inward? That's what I have heard from all the "professionals" I have been sent to.

Is it possible some people are just born angry, that it's caused by an inherited gene? I am not sure anyone can give me the correct answer, but I am sure I don't want to feel this way for the rest of my life.

I have tried everyone else's suggestions, so now here is my plan. I will start talking about what goes on inside of me and quit expecting other people to figure out what's happening within me. I will stop being so pessimistic. I will find a few people I respect and ask them to help me when I am angry. I will leave my defensiveness behind when they give me feedback.

If all else fails and I decide I need medication to help me move forward, I will finally be willing to take it. I don't want to medicate my emotions for depression until I try these other plans. I don't think I will get "repaired" overnight, but I think just knowing this is my plan and not someone else's is a good start.

Maybe since someone else does not cause my depression, the solution can't be discovered outside of myself. I am not a loser, and I really am tired of the outbursts that turn off other people. My anger is just that . . . MINE! I am ready to be more in control of my emotions; in doing so, I will find other ways to get what I need in life.

- IT! (Private thoughts of the Indomitable Teen) is written by Cecilia Tucker under the editorial guidance of a panel of teenagers (in exchange for pizza and volunteer hours). Tucker is a licensed marriage and family therapist at the Counseling Center for New Direction in Seminole. Comments are welcome. You may write c/o: IT!, Xpress, the Times, P.O. Box 1121, St. Petersburg, FL 33731, or e-mail Floridian@sptimes.com. If you are interested in being on the teen editorial panel, please contact Cecilia Tucker at revcecilia@msn.com.

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