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Apply this rule liberally: Do not try to define fun
© St. Petersburg Times I try not to get into spitting contests with other columnists. Howard Troxler and I might occasionally tease one another gently, and I have had columnists from other newspapers try to goad me into battles that they see as circulation builders, although I have never seen why I should be interested in building their circulation. And I understand fully that someone at my level taking a pot shot at someone like George Will is definitely in the mosquito-elephant analogy area, but come on, George. "Some Americans (let us avoid the term "liberals') hate fun, such as cheeseburgers, talk radio, guns, Las Vegas and cars that are larger than roller skates and look more interesting than shoe boxes," Will wrote in a recent column. The elephant part of the earlier-referenced analogy was because Will (let us avoid the term hidebound, dreary boring conservatives) is a Republican. I say that with great respect and admiration. Will is one of the most brilliant men in print today and he, P.J. O'Rourke and William F. Buckley Jr. are high on my list of favorite writers. You don't have to agree with everything someone says to realize that they have said it well, and in a manner that provokes thought -- which is what the column business is about. But a journalistic icon of the Republican Party whose wordiness has been spoofed in Doonesbury taking it upon himself to define fun and to say that those of us on the other side of the fence "hate" it is sort of like asking Bill Clinton for his advice on proper sexual conduct. You know what you are going to hear, but you should take it with a grain of salt large enough to require a forklift to deliver. And, speaking of Clinton, one of those "liberals" we aren't mentioning, it's only fair to note that eating cheeseburgers was, at least, his second favorite pastime. George Will talking about fun. The man is a baseball fan, for God's sake! And baseball isn't fun even if you do live in a market that has a real team. Among the other "fun" things that Will says we persons of the liberal persuasion don't like are talk radio, guns, Las Vegas and cars larger than roller skates. Most liberals don't listen to talk radio because most of us have IQs that are in the triple digits and don't want to risk lowering them by massive infusions of drivel. I would say ditto for guns except that I actually know one or two intelligent people who like guns and if I do say it, somebody will post it on one of those moronic bulletin boards, causing me to get hundreds of e-mails saying we need more guns so we can protect ourselves from Janet Reno. I have a conservative Republican co-worker who considers Las Vegas to be an object of religious pilgrimage and sincerely believes that he can only save his soul by losing his shirt there. He also has a framed painting of dogs playing poker in his house and amuses himself by shooting potatoes out of a specially made gun. I don't hate Vegas. I just think those of us who live this close to Orlando are carrying coals to Newcastle if we make that trip. Cars are what Will was really writing about and he seems to think that liberals, who he says "love guilt" (most of us just like it a lot), want people to feel guilty about cars because cars have made possible suburbs, Wal-Mart, McDonald's and emancipation from public transportation. McDonald's has never been a popular liberal cause and I find Wal-Mart opposition fairly well-balanced politically. Some say Wal-Mart will gobble up small business, making that a quasiliberal concern. Some say that one way they do that is by paying better wages for people in menial jobs, something we liberals like. Some, locally, say it is bad for animal habitat. Most of them are living in what used to be wild animal habitat. And some say it will cause serious traffic problems, an argument that is, interestingly, also used against low- or moderate-income housing. I need to do more research about all of this. I will definitely buy (okay, rent) a pinstriped suit and wingtips, go to a gathering where we will chat about the stock market and how hard it is to find good help these days and pay $500 per plate for whatever member of the poverty-stricken Bush dynasty we are supporting there. And I will definitely ask around to see if anyone there is having fun.
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