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Know you're busy, but can you pencil in the offense?

By GARY SHELTON, Times Sports Columnist

© St. Petersburg Times, published May 5, 2002

A look at Jon Gruden's Day Planner. . .

A look at Jon Gruden's Day Planner. . .

3:17 a.m. -- Wake up. Look at clock. Make sure it says, "Still last night."

3:18 -- Ram knee into table. Groan. Duck as wife throws pillow at me.

3:29 -- Leave shower after assembling shampoo caps into a workable draw play. Reminder: Put "Prell" in motion.

3:38 -- Drive through Tampa. Wonder who all these loons are who are out at this time. Try not to think they're players on their way home.

3:58 -- Arrive at One Buc. Realize I could have slept in until 3:19 a.m.

4 -- Make coffee. Remind myself if I ever have a daughter, I'm going to name her "Starbucks."

4:05 -- Sit in dark and watch game films of last year's Bucs. Write down all the things I admire about the offense.

4:05:12 -- How long does it take to write "Keyshawn"?

4:25 -- Wonder where in the heck everybody else is. Those slackers!

4:29 -- Look at a tape on backup long-snappers from NFL Europe.

4:37 -- Open fruit basket from Shaun King.

4:45 -- Resume work on splicing highlight tapes. Today's subject: Aaron Stecker Goes Left.

5:15 -- Check the Internet for football news. Who are all these people spamming me? And why would I want 50,000 e-mail addresses?

5:25 -- Begin work on depth chart. List Joel ahead of Bryan, Bryan ahead of Ed.

6 -- Work on "Chucky Stare" in mirror for half an hour. Hey, a man has to stay in shape.

6:30 -- Check waiver wire. Look for roadkill.

7 -- Greet rest of staff, schedule meetings for the day.

7:27 -- Review list of training camp meals for ninth day. Substitute "liver" for "meatloaf."

8:15 -- Meet with Monte Kiffin. Discuss how to close out games without looking like Esteban Yan.

8:30 -- Call Colts. Ask Clyde Christensen if he would like me to mail his playbook back to him, or just fax both pages.

9 -- Walk past Rich McKay's office. Mention that I could use a linebacker.

9:01 -- Or two.

9:10 -- Rearrange training room. Mail Alvin Harper's finger back to him.

9:30 -- Meet with offensive line coach Bill Muir. Discuss blocking. Make sure he, unlike predecessor, is in favor of it.

9:35 -- Deny suggestions that Bucs have had it too easy in the past. In the meantime, remove dessert bar, tanning table and video arcade from locker room.

9:45 -- Discover Hugh Culverhouse's old nickel and put it up for sale on eBay. You can tell it was Hugh's because it was squeezed so tight you can still see the thumbprint.

9:49 -- Call your old buddies with the Eagles. Ask if there is any way they can scrape Dexter Jackson from the bottom of Duce Staley's cleats and send him home.

10:18 -- Tell personnel director Tim Ruskell that if he runs across any backup defensive tackles, tell them I said, "Hi."

10:30 -- Finally get around to cleaning out Tony Dungy's desk. Wonder what's up with those Marilyn Manson CDs.

10:40 -- Call florist to order Mother's Day flowers for my bride. Make sure the guy knows I'm not talking about Jennifer Tilly. For the last time, she was Chucky's bride.

11 -- Call Al Davis. Tell him all is forgiven, and if the offer still holds, you'd love to appear in his new movie. Bram Stoker's Dracula II.

11:15 -- Daily denial of Warren Sapp trade rumors.

11:17 -- Work on highlight tape of Brian Kelly's interceptions. Oops. Never mind.

Noon -- Have lunch with Brad Johnson, who just happens by with a bucket of chicken wings.

1 p.m. -- Walk to director of pro personnel Mark Dominik's office. Tell him if any cornerbacks call, take a message.

1:30 -- Call Tom Brady. Tell him I still consider his play in the AFC playoff game a fumble, and if he messes with me, I'll tell Britney and Mariah.

1:50 -- Call Keyshawn Johnson. Remind him that offseason workouts are a fine idea.

2 -- Conduct seminar on offense. Those attending class include Greg Vaughn, Vinny Lecavalier and Christensen.

3:03 -- Call Jeff Fisher about his idea to put reporters through a day of training camp. Ask if he seriously thought it would add perspective, or if he just wanted to watch the fistfights.

3:25 -- Call Steve Spurrier to say as long as he's collecting ex-Gators, you will trade linebacker Eugene McCaslin. Note: You may have to remind him who McCaslin is. Steve didn't keep up much with the defense.

3:30 -- Go for a run. Remind homeless man on Spruce you could use another punter.

4 -- Review advance copy of United Way commercial with Sapp and Johnson. Grin as they sing "I got you, babe." Man, that's harmony.

4:14 -- Put together highlights tape of Bucs' long pass plays. Oops. Never mind.

4:30 -- Bump into college scouting director Ruston Webster in the hall. Ask him if he's heard about any safeties on the market.

4:37 -- Cancel pay-per-view of Mike Tyson fight. If I want an old guy who won't hit anybody, I'll re-sign Keith McCants.

5 -- Thank Rob Johnson for the honey-baked ham he had delivered to my door.

5:30 -- Meet with irate fans of the canceled Todd Yoder Radio Hour.

6 -- Tell McKay good night. Wish him pleasant dreams about speedy wide receivers.

6:02 -- Decide to watch one more tape.

6:03 -- Maybe The Longest Yard. Wonder whatever happened to those linebackers.

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