Giving up 'me first'

I have been told forever how cute, funny, athletic and smart I am. I thought for the longest time I was the center of the universe. I liked being the center of attention, until one day I became the designated problem.

My counselor says I have become the "elephant in the middle of the living room." At first I thought that was pretty funny, but then I started thinking about that image. Who wants a big, stinky elephant in the middle of any room? Elephants in a living room would take up too much space, take a lot of time and energy to take care of, block the view of the television, require lots of maintenance and use up a lot of the family's money to feed. The elephant would also be all that anyone would focus on when they talked about our family.

I realize I have become that elephant in my family. At first, I thought that was just fine and I kind of liked the idea that everything in my family was about me. I was the remote control in control of our entire family. Every conversation was about what to do with me and how to help me.

Everyone seemed genuinely concerned about me, until they got sick and tired of me. That is when things started falling apart! No one wanted to hear my side of the story anymore. No one was jumping in to rescue me the way they used to. When I had a problem, people even started turning their backs. I wasn't sure what had changed but it was obvious to me that I was no longer the center of their universe and this didn't make me very happy. I didn't know any other way to get what I wanted and the only way I knew to behave wasn't working. What happened?

It seems being the center of the universe and putting myself first all the time got old for everyone else. You see, I never stopped to consider how my siblings, parents and friends felt about the way I treat them. I never gave much thought about how much of the conversation, time and energy I took away from everyone else. I never considered how many special things our family didn't do because I was using up the financial resources. I just thought it was pretty cool to always be first and have the entire family focused on me. I began to notice how the "cute" and "funny" remarks about me had ceased and that now most of the attention I got was negative. But, I decided attention is attention, and that I would do whatever it takes to get it . . . until . . .

I miss being first all the time, but now that I see the big picture I realize it wasn't fun to be the "elephant in the middle of the room." I guess everyone likes to be first sometimes. Now, even though it is hard for me to share the spotlight, people don't seem to be nearly as angry with me. I have noticed people are saying positive things about me again, and I really do like positive attention more than negative attention.

So, what have I learned? It is okay to be first, and it does feel good to have the spotlight shining on me, but everybody likes that kind of attention! I guess I have to go back to the basics I learned in kindergarten: Share and treat others the way I want to be treated. It is okay for me to acknowledge my gifts but I don't need always to call attention to myself. Others need time in the spotlight, too.

I do prefer positive attention. I will no longer be the "elephant" in the middle of the room! I will take turns being first, because it is no fun being last all the time and that is what I have been doing to everyone else in my family for too long.

- IT! (Private thoughts of the Indomitable Teen) is written by Cecilia Tucker under the editorial guidance of a panel of teenagers (in exchange for pizza and volunteer hours). Tucker is a licensed marriage and family therapist at the Counseling Center for New Direction in Seminole. Comments are welcome. You may write c/o: IT!, Xpress, the Times, P.O. Box 1121, St. Petersburg, FL 33731, or e-mail Floridian@sptimes.com. If you are interested in being on the teen editorial panel, please contact Cecilia Tucker at revcecilia@msn.com.

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