Do I need a relationship to feel good about me?

I keep thinking I am supposed to be excited about my teenage years, making lots of friends, hanging out with the group and having fun. If all of this is true, why do I feel depressed so often? I find myself standing in the hallway, sitting in the cafeteria and going to social activities by myself. I look around and see other people with dates, and I feel inadequate and insecure.

When I make efforts to go out with a group of friends, they often end up pairing off, and I usually feel like a third wheel. I am not sure I want to start dating, but I definitely struggle with being the outsider, always feeling I am looking for a place and a person to fit in with.

I ask myself then, do I need a relationship to feel good about me? The answer seems to be yes, but this answer seems so lame to me. Why can't I find a way to appreciate me and have fun without that "someone special" by my side? I notice everywhere I go, the world is set up for even numbers . . . like a table for two or four . . . the front seat of a car . . . swings . . . love seats . . . and I could go on forever.

I am not part of a couple, so where is my place? If I had someone to go out with, at least I would always have someone with whom I could do things and go places. If I were dating, I would get special gifts, have someone to talk with on the phone and have someone with whom to share my thoughts and feelings.

I hate feeling insecure and unsure of myself. I think everyone must know how I feel on the inside, but we just don't talk about it. Do other people without a relationship feel the same way I feel? Are they just as confused as I am?

What will make me feel better about myself besides another person temporarily making me feel better? I like going out with groups of people. I feel good when I give my time to other people, whether it is helping children or working on a community project. I feel good about myself when I take on the leadership role in an organization and when others recognize my talents.

I do well with organized sports events and activities where I am already a part of a team. I look forward to activities that involve people from all walks of life. I don't usually feel alone, inadequate or insecure when I stay involved in the life going on all around me.

That must be the key for me! I need to take charge of my life by deciding how I will spend my time. The more I feel in charge of me, the less I feel sorry for me.

What I have just discovered is the truth. I don't need a relationship and a date to feel better about myself. What I need is a goal and a plan to be involved in life. I need to see the big picture.

High school is about making friends, hanging out and having a lot of fun. I don't need someone else needing me to experience these things. Maybe I will see things differently from this point forward. Maybe, just maybe, the people all caught up in relationships are the ones missing out on what high school is really about . . . how much fun is it to always be with the same person? I have the rest of my life to do that, so why do I need to start so young? Yeah, why?

-- IT! (Private thoughts of the Indomitable Teen) is written by Cecilia Tucker under the editorial guidance of a panel of teenagers (in exchange for pizza and volunteer hours). Tucker is a licensed marriage and family therapist at the Counseling Center for New Direction in Seminole. Comments are welcome. You may write c/o: IT!, Xpress, the Times, P.O. Box 1121, St. Petersburg, FL 33731, or e-mail Floridian@sptimes.com. If you are interested in being on the teen editorial panel, please contact Cecilia Tucker at revcecilia@msn.com.

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