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Hughies are here (uh, postage due)
© St. Petersburg Times Good evening, and welcome to our show! It's time for the Hughies! We're live here from Hollywood (well, all of us except Hugh, of course) and you can just smell the excitement in the air. Also the bourbon. Yes sir. It's time to honor the bad and the ugly, the greedy and the grinches, the people without royalty or loyalty. It's time to honor the owners of American sports teams! For once, we don't have to raise taxes to do it! Every winner here will be presented a Hughie, a gold-plated statuette in honor of the late Hugh Culverhouse, who defined bad ownership in professional sports. Yep, if you had 10 dollar bills in your pocket, old Hugh could tell you the serial number on eight of them. You can see the statue right here, except that, for some reason, the figure on my statuette seems to have melted. (Oh, never mind. My director tells me that's really the way Hughie looked.) As always, we want to open our program by thanking all of the owners for their impressive work over the year. You people sure do make it difficult to choose. Also, to afford a ticket. At any rate, the awards: ROOKIE OF THE YEAR HUGHIE: To Falcons owner Arthur Blank, as in check, as in that ridiculous contract he gave Warrick Dunn. In the end, when he was negotiating against his last phone, Blank spent a dime for every nickel Dunn was worth. The kicker is this: Evidently, he didn't run the idea by coach Dan Reeves, who promptly went out and drafted another running back. Yep, Arthur's gonna do just fine in this league. COMEBACK OF THE YEAR HUGHIE: How about this? Hughie gets a Hughie! Yes, despite the fact he is technically, dead, Culverhouse earned his own statuette when his son, Hugh Jr., donated $1-million to Grambling to repay how cheap the Bucs were to Doug Williams. Trust us, if Hugh Sr. thinks the statuette is real gold, he's going to raise his hand through the grave like Carrie to grab it. BRAND NEW ME HUGHIE: That goes to Dallas owner Jerry Jones, provided we can identify him. Does anyone know what Jerry looks like this week? HITTING-TO-ALL-FIELDS HUGHIE: To Jeffrey Loria, whose shortcomings know no boundaries, including the one that separates Canada and the United States. Yep, Loria was a bad owner in Montreal, and now he's a bad owner in Miami and, who knows, next year, he may be a bad owner in Washington. What other owner allowed his stadium to run out of hot dogs on opening day? What other owner doesn't print game-day programs, or scout opponents in expensive cities, or include letterhead on his team's faxes? That's Jeff. Uh, Jeff? Where would you like us to send your trophy? MACK THE KNIFE HUGHIE: To Maverick owner Mark Cuban, that referee-critic-at-large. It seems that a local Dallas magazine wanted to do a feature on Cuban's fiancee. Cuban, forgetting for a moment what a publicity hound he is, went ballistic at the idea, threatening to turn the writer into a gelding if he mentioned the name of Cuban's fiancee. Her name, by the way, is ... The Masked Marvel! What? Do you think we're crazy? ALEXANDER HAIG HUGHIE: Who is in charge of the Redskins? Why, it's Little Danny! Forget that Snyder overpaid for Steve Spurrier. If Snyder leaves him alone, Spurrier will figure out his way to the end zone. But will Spurrier survive Snyder, who thinks of himself as the general manager of the team? We'll see. BEST SUPPORTING OWNERS IN A COMEDY HUGHIE: To the infighters of the Rays who stormed the castle last summer. If you're keeping score at home, Vince Naimoli stepped back, then stepped forward, and all of a sudden, he was once again the lead dancer of the Rays. BEST REMAKE HUGHIE: To Lightning owner Bill Davidson, who has done a grand job impersonating Takashi Okubo. Tampa Bay hasn't seen or heard from him either. BEST CHASE SCENE (IN A MINISERIES) HUGHIE: Yes, it had a surprise ending that seemed to thrill everyone. But can anyone forget the monthlong ride, when the Glazers interviewed, rejected or were rejected by about 9,437 coaches over five weeks? It was a time in which you couldn't believe anything because they didn't tell the truth or because by the time they could get the words out, the truth had changed. It was such a harrowing ride that every now and then you want to check to make sure Jon Gruden's still in his office. Fortunately, he's always there. HEAD 'EM UP, MOVE 'EM OUT HUGHIE: To George Shinn, who managed to foul up the NBA's best market. Shinn had nine years of sellouts in Charlotte, but evidently he was upset because the line outside wasn't long enough. Shinn is taking his team and moving to New Orleans, which begs the question: What did New Orleans ever do to Shinn? NEXT-IN-LINE HUGHIE: Who will win next year's Hughie of the Year? So far, Bill Bidwill, Alex Spanos and Red McCombs seem to be racing to move their teams to Los Angeles. Spanos is the early favorite -- hey, he's closer -- but when it gets to pulling up stakes, who does it better than Bidwill? LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT HUGHIE: To Art Modell, who still has it. Yes, it was only a few years ago that Art won the Hughie of the Year by abandoning a great market such as Cleveland. He's at it again. This time Modell isn't taking his team away, he's sending it away piece by piece and blaming the salary cap. Hey, Art, who is in charge of the cap in Baltimore, anyway? PALME D'DOR (HUGHIE OF THE YEAR): Drum roll, please. The winner is ... baseball owner Bud Selig. Yeah, yeah. Officially, Bud isn't the owner of the Brewers. Our judges didn't buy that, either. In fact, no one buys much of what Bud says these days, whether he's talking to the players, the media or congress. These days, Selig comes across as a money-hungry, whining man who tends to make pretzels of the truth. Hugh, of course, would have been proud of him.
 © 2006 • All Rights Reserved • Tampa Bay Times
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