Letter to Mom and Dad: Don't give up on me!

Dear Mom and Dad:

I know I give off vibes that say to everyone around me, "back off!" I know I give the appearance that I don't care if you hear or listen to me again. I know I have told you it doesn't matter to me if we ever have a conversation in the near future. I know our relationship (what little there is left) is a painful topic for you. I think you believe I like things just the way they are because, in your opinion, it is my fault we are in this predicament. I have been the one to give you the strong message that I am through with you. It may seem I don't want any advice you might have for me now and forever.

This is where I must confess to myself the truth about this relationship stuff with you. I need you, but I am to the point now that I also need to save face. I took a stand with you months ago, and if I give in now I will have to admit that I have been wrong all these months. I know that when I alienated you it was for a good reason at the time, but I am not sure that I thought things would go this far.

Nor did I know that the distance between us would become irreparable. I feel stupid that I have let things get to this point and I feel saddened with the way things are, but how can I fix that now? What started out being a teenager's idea of punishing parents has turned into a war. At my age, no one can make me have a relationship with you, but I can't seem to figure out how to reconnect with you without taking most of the blame for the condition of our relationship.

I still need you. I miss you more than I ever thought possible. I tell myself often that you caused this as much as I did. I deliberately stop myself from thinking about you and caring for you. But the truth is that you are still my parents. There are times I have even convinced myself that you are bad people, just so I can justify my feelings. If the truth be known, I even have created lies about you and started believing those lies are true. I really don't know how all of this got so out of hand.

I wish you were in my life again. We did have some good times, and I know at some point we loved each other. I even used to think I was your favorite. Please keep reaching out to me. Please hear what I won't let myself say to you when I put distance between us. Please keep talking to me even when I have a wall so thick around myself that even the most persistent person would give up. Even though I am stubborn and need to save face, please know that someday I will figure this out. When this happens, I hope it won't be too late for us to reconnect. Please keep trying to be my parents. I don't want you to give up on me the way I have given up on you.

I guess this time of self evaluation sounds pathetic to you because I still think I need to save face and stand firm on my stance. I don't know why I need to push you away so very far, but for now that is the way I am feeling. I love you, even though I can't let you know that right now. Please listen to me and keep trying to talk to me. Love, well no, I can't say that, so, goodbye for now.

- IT! (Private thoughts of the Indomitable Teen) is written by Cecilia Tucker under the editorial guidance of a panel of teenagers (in exchange for pizza and volunteer hours). Tucker is a licensed marriage and family therapist at the Counseling Center for New Direction in Seminole. Comments are welcome. You may write c/o: IT!, Xpress, the Times, P.O. Box 1121, St. Petersburg, FL 33731, or e-mail Floridian@sptimes.com. If you are interested in being on the teen editorial panel, please contact Cecilia Tucker at revcecilia@msn.com.

Here's the rest of today's Xpress