A nervous new mom? Here's a place for you

Some of them are in their 40s, and some are in their 30s or 20s. Most are first-time mothers, but some have older children, too. Most breast-feed, but some don't. Most delivered their babies at Bayfront Medical Center, but a few did not. But they all have two things in common: babies and questions.

And that's why about 15 women meet the second Tuesday of every month at the New Moms Support Group at Bayfront Medical Center. The free session is led by one of the hospital's lactation consultants, but it's usually the moms who offer each other advice on everything from breast-feeding and baby spit-up to sleepless nights and going back to work.

They bring their babies, their bottles, their breasts, their problems and their success stories. Some little ones sleep in strollers or nurse while others crawl around with balls, rattles and photo albums on the blue and green mats laid out in the middle of a conference room.

At a recent meeting one mother said she was a little worried because her infant son was eating less and sleeping more.

"Just when you think you have a schedule figured out it all changes," responded Juli Steinocher, mother of a 14-month-old son.

Another mom complained that her baby refused to sleep in her crib anymore. She wondered if she preferred her parents' bed to her own because those crib mattresses are so hard.

No. It's not the mattress. It's because she wants to be with you, another mom tells her. Her daughter did the same thing.

Sometimes even when they can't get a specific answer or rule to follow, it helps these moms just knowing somebody else has gone through the same tough or confusing phase of early parenthood.

"If it wasn't for this group, I probably would have stopped breast-feeding a long time ago," Steinocher said. "One of the most important things is getting support from other people who have been there."

She started coming to the support group when her son, Clay, was about 2 months old. She was worried he wasn't gaining enough weight or getting the right nutrients. Then a few other moms and lactation consultant Kim Ramer assured her he was fine.

Julie Menke was worried about almost everything. She was 41 when she had her daughter Shannon, and then worried she would be a better mom if she were in her 20s. Shannon had respiratory problems and was on a breathing monitor when she slept.

"I was worried was she going to keep breathing. I was worried if she was gaining weight. I worried what if my baby is going to die," Menke said. "I came here and found out other moms had the same fears. I got reassurance I wasn't as out of my mind as I thought I was."

Now, as Shannon turns 6 months old, Menke can recognize which cries mean she's hungry, which ones mean she's tired and which ones mean she needs a clean diaper.

Sometimes even when they can't get a specific answer or rule to follow, it helps these moms just knowing somebody else has gone through the same tough or confusing phase of early parenthood.

"The other moms had told me at 6 months it all starts coming together," she said. "And it seems to be about right."

Menke didn't breast-feed her baby, but she said the group of moms talk about so much more she still gets helpful tips and encouragement each month. Perhaps best of all, she met another mom and daughter with whom she and Shannon get together with almost every week.

"I can help and answer questions, but what works the best is when a mom with a baby further along can say they went through the same thing," said Ramer, the lactation consultant and support group leader. It's great to have a roomful of moms sharing their experiences and offering a variety of answers.

Many new moms will talk about "The Book" that says this or "The Book" that says we shouldn't do that. "The Book" can be any one of hundreds of parenting books that cram libraries, bookstores and our own bookshelves. But you can't ask a book for further detail or tell a book you tried it that way and it just doesn't work. But when you have a room full of women, you can.

"The books are also just one or two person's opinions," Ramer said. "We get a round table of ideas. Then the mom has to take what she heard and go home and see what works for her. There are a lot of answers, but not every answer is right for you."

The most common concerns of new mothers include nursing, starting solids and getting the baby to sleep through the night, Ramer said. The group also has discussed what to do when a baby only wants Mom to comfort her and Dad feels useless. And then there's the ever-present separation anxiety.

Every month, the moms come in and have some time to chat on their own. Then Ramer has each mom introduce herself and her baby and talk about how their month has been.

At this month's meeting, a mom asked for advice on flying for the first time with her baby. Tips came faster than a 747. Feed the baby on take-off and landing. Take a car seat even if you haven't bought a second ticket -- the airlines will let you use an empty seat if the flight isn't full. Ask a flight attendant to watch the baby when you need to go the bathroom. Check your luggage but pack two changes of baby clothes in your diaper bag. And don't be afraid to breast-feed. Most passengers would rather see you nurse than hear a screaming baby.

Jan DeFreitos was at her second meeting with 2-month-old Nicholas. Because she has a 4-year-old son already, she never thought she would need the help of a support group until her new baby wasn't nursing near as well as her first son did. But with the help of Ramer and the other moms, she managed to get baby Nicholas on track. She also met another mom with an older son who was dealing with some of the same behavior problems from the older sibling.

But her question of the month was about food allergies. Nicholas has been throwing up because of something she was eating, but she couldn't pinpoint what it was. Ramer suggested she keep a food diary. She also told her the baby's indigestion could be due to not one single meal she ate, but a build up of a certain food over several days.

"If it's not affecting his weight gain and he seems otherwise healthy and happy, I really wouldn't worry too much if he's throwing up every few days," she assured her. "Sometimes we moms just worry way too much."

-- You can reach Katherine Snow Smith by e-mail at Oliviachar@aol.com; or write Rookie Mom, St. Petersburg Times, PO Box 1121, St. Petersburg, FL 33731.

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