Worry over dad brings us to crossroad

Independence is a wonderful thing. Ask the teenager who is heading off to college this fall for the first time. No more curfews. No more house rules. Freedom.

Just the anticipation of independence can set the mind and soul soaring.

Once having achieved that independence, it becomes even more treasured the older we get and the less in control we become of certain aspects of our lives.

This brings me to an intellectual crossroad regarding my 82-year-old father. I have been thinking about asking him to come and live with me. My reason: I worry about him living alone in his tiny apartment in North Florida even though he has been managing just fine for the past 10 years or so.

Our regular phone calls are comforting to a degree, and I worry less about him once I hear his voice. But as his only child, I am still left with the discomforting what ifs: What if he falls and injures himself? What if he forgets to turn off the stove? And, because he still drives, what if he is in a car accident?

What if he's already dead, and I don't know it yet?

My dad is in fairly good health. He doesn't smoke or drink and he tries to stay in shape by climbing a couple flights of stairs. He doesn't talk much about aches or pains. I do know that his feet bother him occasionally. He still cooks and cleans for himself and listens to his radio and television too loud. He seems to be fine -- at least that's what he tells me.

Call me selfish, but for my own peace of mind I would feel better if my dad came to live with me.

Of course, it would mean some changes in his independence. It also would mean an uprooting from his church, which he attends regularly and serves as an officer. I would help him find a new church community, and I have friends who probably would enjoy his company.

I've dropped a few hints about how he can spend more time with his granddog -- take her for a walk, give her a bath, stuff like that. He doesn't seem interested. I told him about the house I'm buying, and though he's happy about that, he hasn't brought up visiting.

I confess I haven't really, either. I have avoided certain discussions with my father (his living with me is just one on the list). I'm simply not ready to embrace the reality of having to bury another parent. (My mom died 15 years ago.)

With so much sensitive ground left uncovered, I wonder if my dad is enjoying his life and just wants to be left alone. I wonder if he wants to choose where he wants to live, and with whom. Maybe he simply doesn't need me as much as I need him.

I write this column on a personal note for two reasons: First, I hope to glean some insight from readers who might have had to tell their well-meaning offspring that they are doing fine alone, thank you very much. Second, I want to introduce myself as the new editor for the Seniority section. I'm a former St. Petersburg Times employee who, after 11 years, has returned to the fold.

I won't always write about my father (he will be grateful) or the rest of my family (my dog can't read, anyway). I'd like to hear from readers with ideas and stories that might make interesting Seniority subjects.

As for my dad, I think I'll just show him this column and let him make up his own mind. Isn't that what independence is about?

- Write to Sheila Reed c/o Seniority, the St. Petersburg Times, P.O. Box 1121, St. Petersburg, FL 33731 or sreed@sptimes.com.

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