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My spirit walks a lonely path
By CECILIA A. TUCKER
© St. Petersburg Times
published August 5, 2002
First of two parts
I feel very awkward putting my thoughts about spiritual issues into words. But my struggle in life seems to center around my spiritual issues, and I feel stuck.
The problem is NOT that I have no faith nor is it about needing a spiritual direction to follow. My problem is that I DO believe I am not the center of the universe and that there is a creator of all of life. Some people at school refer to me as "religious." They would tell me to my face that I seemed to feel too good for them.
I am not sure when this stereotype about me began, but I have felt separated from my peer group since late elementary school. I will not apologize for my beliefs. I feel strongly about the values I have chosen to live by. But I must admit that many times I feel incredibly alone. So far, I have found no acceptable way to resolve my dilemma.
I find myself feeling very much alone almost every hour of every day, especially when I am at school. Some people have suggested the solution is for me to go to a religion-oriented school. Guess what? I have tried that already, and it definitely was not the answer for me.
I had the mistaken idea that a school affiliated with a religion would have more people like me in it. I know nobody wants to hear this, but that wasn't true. I found that most of the students were there because of their parents' need to protect them from life's harsh realities.
What that translates into, in case you don't know, is that a lot of the people at that school appeared worse to me than the average teenager on the street. They seemed to range from being very rebellious and defiant to being extremely complacent about their own spiritual direction. Many of the students resented being at the school so much that they mocked its spiritual foundations. I expected to find this kind of ridicule in public education, but I was haunted when I found it in the private school. Some of you may be saying I tried the wrong school. I don't think so.
I am not trying to be overly critical of religion-affiliated schools. This is not about a particular school. This is about my struggle, which can occur in any school. I am just telling you what I experienced. I think the issue is about where I am in my journey of faith, compared to other people my age.
My faith is based on what I believe is right and wrong, not what my parents tell me is good or bad. My morals reflect my choices in life, and they are mine. No one made me go to a religion-affiliated school. I wanted to go there. I hoped I would find others like me so I would feel connected.
I am sure there were a few others like me there, but they were not in the majority. Some days I actually felt worse in that environment than I had felt in the public school. This was supposed to be a place I could connect, not feel more disconnected. When people in the religion-affiliated school made fun of me, I felt I had nowhere else to turn.
Now my journey has taken me inward.
-- Next: Can I be comfortable about my own beliefs?
IT! (Private thoughts of the Indomitable Teen) is written by Cecilia Tucker under the editorial guidance of a panel of teenagers (in exchange for pizza and volunteer hours). Tucker is a licensed marriage and family therapist at the Counseling Center for New Direction in Seminole. Comments are welcome. You may write c/o: IT!, Xpress, the Times, P.O. Box 1121, St. Petersburg, FL 33731, or e-mail Floridian@sptimes.com. If you are interested in being on the teen editorial panel, please contact Cecilia Tucker at revcecilia@msn.com.
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