Weather | Sports | Forums | Comics | Classifieds | Calendar | Movies
They may be top dogs in cinema, but when it comes to relationships, some stars are stuck in the puppy-love stage.
By JANET K. KEELER and GINA VIVINETTO
© St. Petersburg Times, published August 9, 2002
If only Ann Landers were still alive.
She'd have the answer to the questions that must be haunting recently split love freaks Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thornton.
Do they return the vials of each other's dried blood that they wore around their necks, or do they keep them? Would it be crass to sell them on eBay? And what about the tattoos? Remove them or cover them over with the name of the next person in line?
And dear old Ann would surely have some advice for troubled actress Pamela Anderson, who swears on a stack of silicon implants that her ex, Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee, gave her hepatitis even though he swears he didn't.
Anderson, who quickly hooked up with Kid Rock, is doing her share of no-waying, too. No, she's not pregnant with baby Rock. No, she is not single again. She and the Kid are doing just fine.
The sound you hear is Ann giggling in her grave.
Welcome to Hollywood Junior High, where the kids pair up lightning fast and split almost as quickly. While they're together, they just can't stop declaring their unending, all-consuming love. In the end, though, those hectic schedules are always insurmountable. Wink, wink.
It's like watching a train wreck.
Take poor Jennifer Lopez. The most popular girl on campus dumps bad boy Sean "Puffy" Combs (the cools kids called him Puff Daddy) and hooks up with Cris Judd, the nice-guy member of the drama club.
"Cris brings serenity into my world. In the midst of the crazy storm that is my life, his love is what I need most of all," J.Lo. told US Weekly in May. In June the perfect couple split after nine months of marriage. She is now linked with Ben Affleck and there's talk of a reunion with Puff Daddy, now called P. Diddy. Did you hear they are talking on the phone twice a day?
She ought to fire the scriptwriter who penned the "crazy storm that is my life" line. This is how a girl who grew up in the Bronx expresses herself? Yo, yo, no.
And how about this freaky sentiment from Thornton:
"I was looking at her (Jolie) sleep, and I had to restrain myself from literally squeezing her to death. Sex for us is almost too much," he told US in 2000.
We don't know anyone who talks like that about the love of his or her life, unless it's part of a jailhouse interview.
How a normal woman talks about her new husband:
"He's a really nice guy and he has a good sense of humor. And he treats his mother nice. He has a good job, too. I think he's cute."
How a woman who makes $20-million a movie talks about her new husband:
"I was born to love and to be the wife of this man. . . . He is formidable. He is a man among men, unselfish and all-encompassing," Julia Roberts said about Danny Moder, who was divorced two months before their July 4 wedding.
A man among men? All-encompassing? Girlfriend, that is going to sound so silly when you guys split next year.
At first, we thought Roberts had married a true man among men, like maybe Nelson Mandela or Ralph Nader. She does admit to a fixation with political types. When she married singer Lyle Lovett in 1993, she told the world that he reminded her of Abraham Lincoln, a tall fellow on whom she had a crush . . . in junior high.
We don't know what's worse. Dumping hunky Benjamin Bratt, who promptly married Bond-girl Talisa Soto, or telling the world to call her Mrs. Moder, an obvious attempt to make poor Danny feel like he's in charge. (Maybe she was influenced by Mrs. Guy Ritchie, a.k.a. Madonna.) This is marriage No. 2 and engagement No. 4 (Dylan McDermott, 1989, and Kiefer Sutherland, 1991) for the pretty woman.
The arrested development of today's crop of top actresses is stunning. Jolie is done with marriage No. 2. For Thornton, 20 years her senior, she was No. 5 and nearly No. 6. He was engaged to Laura Dern, who had to hear on the radio that he'd hooked up with Jolie. Leave it to a junior high guy to get a new girlfriend before he'd told the old one "see ya." He is so immature.
Shouldn't daddy Jon Voight have talked to Jolie about Thornton? No. 2 tries harder; No. 5 just waits for him to meet No. 6.
Jolie's first marriage to British actor Jonny Lee Miller was also a blood union. At their 1996 wedding, Jolie wore a silk shirt with his name written on it in blood -- hers. Then there was that creepy declaration of love for her brother at the 2000 Academy Awards.
Girl, Interrupted? How about Girl, Get a Grip?
Judd wasn't Lopez's first husband. She had a starter marriage to waiter Ojani Noa that ended after 15 months. They're still friends, though. She hired him to manage her new Los Angeles restaurant, Madre's.
And get this. Tommy Lee has bounced back nicely from his divorce with Anderson.
He's dating Mayte Garcia, the woman formerly known as Prince's wife.
Just think, she went from dating the shortest guy (Prince, 5 foot 2) in the class to the tallest (Tommy Lee, 6 foot 4).
It's like watching a train wreck, only make theirs the Concorde, because this stuff happens fast.