Nosy parenting 'experts' don't help, they humiliate

If people pass someone painting a house a terrible color, they don't stop and tell the painters they're doing a lousy job. When a play is no good, theatergoers rarely go backstage to scold the actors and give them pointers. Even when a hairdresser gives your hair a terrible new look, many people are still hesitant to tell him or her.

So why does parenting seem to be the one profession that's wide open for observation, critique and criticism from total strangers?

Of course, few of us can say our kids are always perfectly behaved in public. But whether they are or aren't, it always amazes me that so many strangers are ready to jump right in and tell you what you're doing wrong.

My husband was recently grocery shopping with my 5-year-old daughter and letting her get the thrill of independence by going down the aisle by herself to fetch certain items while he waited with the cart at the end. When she was on the peanut butter hunt, she looked back and admonished him: "Now stay right there. Don't follow me. Just stay right there."

"Who's in charge here?" snapped a woman observing the exchange.

My husband thought of a million things he wished he would have said to the woman later when he was home relaying the story to me. But at the time, he just settled for giving her a dirty look.

My friend, Patti Cook, was also struck speechless when a stranger accosted her at the airport this summer as she was putting her 12-year-old son and 15-year-old daughter on a plane alone to visit their grandparents.

"I was trying to say goodbye to my kids and here this woman starts yelling at me," she said. "I didn't need her making them more nervous."

"People say things because everybody is an expert because most people have had kids," said child psychologist Ruth Peters. "Most people don't comment on other things because they have not had experience at them."

And many parents who have already raised their kids think ours get away with much more. Which may well be the case, Peters said.

Still, she agrees nosy and rude comments are certainly unwelcome.

"You never know what to say (back), because it happens when you least expect it," she said. "I always say take the high road."

A dose of sweetness to their sourness will leave them speechless instead of you. Peters suggests lines such as: "Thank you for your concern. I'm doing the best I can," or "I'll certainly consider that."

"You don't want to get into it with a stranger in front of your children. And it's a chance to show your children how to get out of a fight," she said. "Your goal should be to get out of the situation as quickly as you can."

Her last bit of advice is for us parents to consider that this other person may actually have a point even if they are sticking their point where it's uninvited.

What??? Us make mistakes in raising our perfect children. How dare she suggest such a thing.

Of course it's almost worse if the strangers feel the need to scold the children instead of the parent. Not long ago, my friend, Maryann Wray, and her 4-year-old twins, Christopher and Alyssa, were taking a break on a bench at Busch Gardens while her husband fetched popcorn. Christopher was amusing himself by playing with pebbles while his mother tended to his sister. Somehow a pebble flicked a passerby on the arm, and he laid into Christopher lambasting him for throwing dirt at him.

"He yelled really loudly at Christopher and then he turned to me and told me to teach my kids some manners," Wray said. She said she was sorry and assured him he didn't do it on purpose.

"I was so dumbstruck I didn't know what else to say. Christopher melted in my arms he was so upset and embarrassed," she said. "I still think to this day about what else I could have said." Even if her son was accidentally out of line, she doesn't think a total stranger should just start yelling at him.

"People who have older kids forget that they misbehave," Wray said. "When I see kids misbehaving, I give them some slack because I don't know the whole situation. Every day is different with kids."

Leah Pardee, mother of twins, one of whom is autistic, agrees that strangers are quick to judge parents when they have no idea what's going on in their family. She still remembers a woman several years ago who commented she would like to take Pardee's son home with her. Pardee thought the woman was being friendly so she played along, telling her son the lady would probably feed him well and take good care of him.

"No, I would make him mind me," she said with a snarl.

Pardee has joined other parents of special needs children, who hand out small cards that explain her son has autism and is prone to outbursts. The cards usually make the glares turn to smiles. But not always.

Not long ago, a cashier at Wal-Mart was commenting that Pardee's son was being too rambunctious. As Pardee tried to calm him she explained he had autism. The cashier then proceeded to get into a conversation with the next woman in line about how all these diagnoses weren't made when her kids were young.

"If they couldn't mind they didn't get to leave the home," the cashier said.

Even children without medical problems can have a valid excuse. Not long ago my youngest daughter fell asleep on our way to TJ Maxx. She was groggy and still tired when I woke her up to go into the store. A stranger soon pressed her nose right against my daughter's and asked how old she was. Charlotte quickly turned her head and hid her face.

The woman's smile turned to a scowl and she told me I should teach my little one to respect adults. Like others, I had no witty response. But later I pointed out to my husband that adults don't walk up to other adults they don't know and ask their age or say: "And how are you todaaaaay?" So why are small, often shy children expected to be chipper to anyone who approaches them, especially when we teach them not to talk to strangers?

I know plenty of people will read this and mutter to themselves or fire off scathing e-mails and letters to me saying kids today don't behave as they should in public. Well, even if that is the case, most parents are doing the best they can and public humiliation or rebuke from a stranger isn't going to boost our confidence or success rate.

-- You can reach Katherine Snow Smith by e-mail at Oliviachar@aol.com; or write Rookie Mom, St. Petersburg Times, PO Box 1121, St. Petersburg, FL 33731

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