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By JERRY HAINES You knew it had to end, of course -- not that it makes you feel any better. There's that last trip to the front desk to turn in your keys, that bittersweet cab ride to the airport. You drive past favorite sights and see new tourists photographing "your" cathedral, sipping espresso at "your" cafe, even -- gasp -- chatting up "your" waiter. The airport that so intimidated you when you landed now seems no more complicated than a Greyhound station. The bureaucrats who scrutinized your documents when you arrived just wave you through. You settle into your airplane seat feeling an ache in your heart that no amount of duty-free Grand Marnier will ease. The vacation is over. No doubt you have wished you could ease the jolt of releasing life's "pause" button for another 51 weeks. Well, a possible answer is to take only unpleasant vacations, thus making the return home seem a relief. But that would only yield the perverse pleasure of recounting the horror stories. ("We turned on the air conditioner, and vampire bats came out.") Or, you could refuse to go on vacation at all. Unfortunately, while this might improve your reputation with certain supervisors in your workplace, you could also redline your personal stress-o-meter. ("They were kind of quiet and kept to themselves, Officer. And they never took a vacation.") Since you probably will persist in taking vacations -- nice ones -- it's important to learn how to remain in the vacation mood, even at home and even though you have to go to work. So from the home office in Ogilvie, Minn., here are my Top Ten Tips for making every day a vacation day: 10. Replace your refrigerator with a minibar. Then never take anything out of it, even if you're dying of thirst or have the munchies. 9. When you walk with your spouse, hand your expensive camera to strangers and ask, "Would you mind taking a picture of us, standing over there?" 8. Restrict your wardrobe to what you can fit into one roll-on bag and a two-suiter. None of your shirts should go with your jacket, your blouses with your skirts. 7. Ignore your washing machine, and do all of your laundry in the bathroom sink, using shampoo as detergent. Then hang the wet clothing over the shower rod to dry. 6. Go to a restaurant and flip idly through the menu. When a waiter approaches, ask, "Hmm . . . which of these are really 'local'?" When the server responds, you say, "You speak English really well. Do they offer it in school here?" If you get shortchanged, shrug and say, philosophically, "I will never understand this money." 5. If you go to a friend's home, bring gifts of jeans and Marlboros. Turn on their TV, laugh, clap your hands together and exclaim, "Oh, wow! You have Regis here, too." 4. Give $5 bills to street musicians. When someone points out what you have done, shake your head and say, "I will never understand this money." 3. Take a city bus in the wrong direction. Then transfer, getting even farther from your original destination. Try to pay the fare with a $20 bill. When it's refused, say, "I will never understand this money." 2. Never pass up a chance to use a restaurant restroom. Ask your companions,"Anyone got change for the attendant?" even if you are eating at McDonald's. When you get back to the table, announce, "Whew -- that was an experience!" And, finally, 1. Don't drink the water! Use tap water only for bathing. Tell friends at work, "I forgot to buy bottled water last night and had to brush my teeth with Orangina this morning." If you follow this plan, that delicious feeling of being slightly lost, slightly deprived, slightly unprepared should never evaporate. You will be proud of how well you can cope. And perhaps some day your boss will come into your office, close the door, put a reassuring hand on your shoulder and say, "We had a meeting this morning, and we think maybe you could use a vacation." -- Freelance writer Jerry Haines vacations from his regular job in Washington, D.C.
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From the Times Travel page
From the AP |
