|
One is a lonely number and three is a crowd!
By CECILIA A. TUCKER
© St. Petersburg Times
published September 2, 2002
First of two parts
I've been trying to figure out why most restaurants have tables prepared for an even number of people. I have noticed when I make plans, someone always wants to know who is going with me. I am frustrated when I go to an amusement park and am asked how many are in my party when it's obvious that no one is in line with me.
One is a lonely number. It seems I am doomed with my oneness. I used to think I handled my solo act well. I would tell myself at least I didn't have to worry about anyone else when I made plans. I would convince myself I would have more fun alone because I could do what I wanted. I have always been a loner so I had gotten kind of used to being alone. As a kid, I decided it really didn't matter how many friends I had as long as I treated others nicely and included them. Sooner or later, I figured everyone would get the message and they would treat me nicely and include me. I know now those two notions are absolutely incorrect. I have spent many years following these two rules and have gotten nowhere. I am tired of always being nice and inclusive. I'm sick of making excuses for others. I will not wait to be included any longer. It is time I accept that my place in the world very well might be occupied by just ME.
I have tried teaming up with a couple other people and that has been horrible for me, even worse than being alone! When there were three of us, it seems one of us is always on the outs with the other two. I can't figure out why the three of us couldn't just enjoy each other's company. I would be thinking everything was going just fine then all of a sudden, I would be blindsided and find myself alone when the other two of my so-called friends were out having a good time without me. It hurts to see the joy on their faces and all I can do is smile slightly while I'm dying inside. When I try to find out what the problem is, I am shunned and ignored; then several days later, out of no where, I am in again and someone else is on the outside trying to get in. Sometimes I feel like I am going around in those revolving doors that are in fancy hotels. I never can tell if I am going in or coming out of this threesome.
So here I sit. Home alone again for another weekend and feeling bored, looking forward to having time off from school but then facing the reality that I will be alone most of my time off. I look in the newspaper for things to do and places to go and wonder are there any other people like me feeling alone. If so, where are they? Maybe we could form an "All alone with nothing to do and no place to go" club. Funny, huh? Not really.
This is not at all how I pictured my teenage years. I have stopped trying to figure out why I am the designated loner. I have been through deciding I am too this or too that; or not enough this or that. What am I going to do? Giving up just seems so pitiful like I am a victim, but to keep putting myself out there feels so painful. I wish somebody would help me figure out how to fix this. I am so stuck!
Next: How I see myself
- IT! (Private thoughts of the Indomitable Teen) is written by Cecilia Tucker under the editorial guidance of a panel of teenagers (in exchange for pizza and volunteer hours). Tucker is a licensed marriage and family therapist at the Counseling Center for New Direction in Seminole. Comments are welcome. You may write c/o: IT!, Xpress, the Times, P.O. Box 1121, St. Petersburg, FL 33731, or e-mail Floridian@sptimes.com. If you are interested in being on the teen editorial panel, please contact Cecilia Tucker at revcecilia@msn.com.
Here's the rest of today's Xpress
|
