© St. Petersburg Times, published September 20, 2002
Idon't know why they make such a big fuss about picking a new city manager in Crystal River.
For one thing, they do it, on average, once every 18 months or so, and it's not like there aren't a lot of applicants.
The last time the job was advertised, more than 60 people applied for it.
That part isn't hard to understand. The United States has thousands of municipalities and counties and most people in county and city management either know, or hope, that their time in their current jobs is limited.
Pasco County Administrator John Gallagher is the exception to that rule, having been in office for 20 years. Theories on how that has happened range from those based on Gallagher being a space alien in possession of a magic crystal to those who harbor a growing suspicion that he may be competent.
Political winds shift quickly and it isn't unusual for today's government hero to become tomorrow's "whatever happened to what's-his-name?" And so, to that vast audience of the unappreciated and dissatisfied, an advertisement in one of the magazines that circulate among local government agencies and officials, is like a siren song.
Throw in words like "Florida," "coastal" and "diving," and you hear from a whole bunch of guys who are laboring out there in places with names like Gopher Bluff, where the entertainment is an annual moose-droppings throwing contest and landfills are a major industry.
Last time out, a mere year ago, the job went to Phil Lilly, who resigned this week.
Those ranks gradually thin out. Sometimes it is because people send the applicant newspaper clippings about the city's politics. Some of them get wind of the troubles through the municipal grapevine and some of them learn, with dismay, that their resumes and references actually are going to be checked.
It is, of course, we media types that are the real culprits. I know that because a former Crystal River council member approached me at a speaking engagement last year and explained that everyone on the Crystal River council loves everyone else, that there is no tension in city government and that the entire thing is nothing more than a myth created by newspaper reporters, editorial writers and columnists who are willing to sacrifice the city's good name just to build their careers and sell newspapers.
He is right, of course.
Major news organizations throughout the world are now staffed by veteran reporters who won Pulitzer Prizes by revealing that a bunch of small town politicians frequently behave like kindergarteners who can't decide whether they are sitting in a sandbox or a litter box.
And we have no right, I have been told, to write about meetings we haven't attended.
I guess that means I have to attend sessions of Congress, state Legislature and al-Qaida's governing body before venturing opinions on their doings.
As I recall, the only Crystal River council meeting I ever attended included council members complaining about the media conspiracy to make it look like they were always arguing, and then getting into an argument about whether they argued or not.
Basically, between that and the Satan-paranoiacs to the north, a School Board under attack by a witch and a police chief in another Citrus town who loses his job over a tantrum about his fast-food order, you wonder why anyone there bothers to get cable.
(Answer, because the Crystal River City Council is on cable, of course.)
Back to the original premise on how to hire a new manager:
-- Accept only resumes in crayon.
-- Check carefully during interviews to make sure straitjackets properly match shoes and accessories.
-- Play rock-scissors-paper to determine the loser and new city manager.
My wife, who is possessed of a sick sense of humor, suggested I apply for the job so I could have something to do during my retirement.
Hint: If you ever see me behind that city manager's desk in Crystal River City Hall, call a cop. Either I have broken in and am rifling the desk, or someone is holding me at gunpoint.