|
Don't call me a slob
By CECILIA A. TUCKER
© St. Petersburg Times
published September 23, 2002
Second of two parts
That's the problem, isn't it? I need for my room to be MY room! Will you let me have my space without feeling you need to be in control of it? I don't really see the need to tidy up every week, but I will do it to please you. I will throw away all the trash, empty the trash can and even take it to the outside trash.
I will try to remember not to bring food and drinks to my room. I know you hate the bugs and the smell of my unofficial liquid science projects. I will decide which mementos to toss and which ones to keep. I don't even mind having all of this done before I can go out on the weekend, even though I wish it weren't that way. But I can live with that policy.
Please stop rummaging through my room and throwing my stuff away. How would you like it if I did that with your stuff? Please go through my room only if you suspect I'm doing something not good for me.
I know you think you have some parental responsibility to teach me about order and discipline. I have lived with you all of my life, and I think you have more than adequately portrayed these attributes. You have more than fully satisfied this requirement and successfully passed Parenting 101 class.
You have had me in the advanced placement class in this subject, and sooner or later, when I take the final test, I will show you I acquired all the necessary information to make a four or five on this test. But not now! Wait for the results when I'm on my own and have my own place. The state of my room is not a reflection on you as a parent.
That leads me to the last assumption. I hear you talk all the time about tidiness and self-esteem. Please, stop equating self-esteem with cleanliness! They are not the same. I feel best about me when I am in my familiar and comfortable space, just the way it is. I feel shamed by you when I believe I continuously disappoint you. This shame contributes to more negative self-esteem issues for me than my messy room does.
It seems to me this room thing is one area of controversy we could agree to disagree about. It is a temporary problem that has begun to create a long-term bad feeling between us. My self-esteem is affected by what you think of me and how you feel about me. As much as I'd like to say that isn't true, I know that would be a lie.
It's very clear to me that you think I am a slob, but don't try to put that label on me just because I have a messy room. Calling me a slob makes me look in the mirror and question my core self. I believe my core self is a pretty okay person, but when I hear you generalize, I generalize, too. Even when I think you are wrong about me, it's still difficult for me to get what you say and feel about me out of my head. I know you think I don't listen to you most of the time, but your opinion is still pretty important to me.
So, now I have said what I need to say. Please carefully read what I have written to you and get back to me about this subject. I really don't want something as insignificant as my room to drive a bigger wedge between us. As you say all the time, sometimes we need to choose our battles. Could we choose not to fight this one?
- IT! (Private thoughts of the Indomitable Teen) is written by Cecilia Tucker under the editorial guidance of a panel of teenagers (in exchange for pizza and volunteer hours). Tucker is a licensed marriage and family therapist at the Counseling Center for New Direction in Seminole. Comments are welcome. You may write c/o: IT!, Xpress, the St. Petersburg Times, P.O. Box 1121, St. Petersburg, FL 33731, or e-mail Floridian@sptimes.com. If you are interested in being on the teen editorial panel, please contact Cecilia Tucker at revcecilia@msn.com.
Here's the rest of today's Xpress
|
