Side show

THIS MONTH'S CELEBRITY QUOTE QUIZ

1. "A real diva would never scream at her guests to get out. She would ask her assistants to make the guests get out. This is one of the rules of divadom."

a) Jennifer Lopez, confirming that all obnoxious actions credited to her are technically her assistants' fault.

b) Whitney Houston, who forgot to add that she considers not-always-law-abiding husband Bobby Brown an assistant.

c) Fashion designer Donatella Versace telling Maya Rudolph, who plays her on Saturday Night Live, the correct way to be a diva.

2. "If there is an animal on Earth that can defeat the snake, a venomous viper, with a bite, I think that there's got to be some way for us . . . to bite the neck of hatred in this world, no?"

a) Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin, asked his feelings about U.S. military action against Iraq.

b) Shakira, on why she's calling her world tour the Tour of the Mongoose.

c) New Miss America Erika Harold. Or New Miss Universe Justine Pasek. What's the difference?

3. "Basically, everybody has problems. We're saying, 'Man, we're tired of all the (bad stuff).' Like 'Calgon, take me away.' "

a) Dethroned Miss Universe Oxana Fedorova, saying she really quit because all the charity work she was asked to do was too depressing.

b) Wish Bone of Bone Thugs-N-Harmony, on why the group was creatively moved to sample Phil Collins' 1985 song Take Me Home on its latest album.

c) Disney chairman Michael Eisner, failing to shore up stockholder confidence with his promotional efforts for the theme parks.

4. "I was sitting on the top of the house with a shotgun and a big bottle of Crown Royal. I said, 'You're late!' . . . I was going to shoot over the top of their heads, but I was afraid I'd miss and kill his friend."

a) Julia Roberts, who has decided to be as media-friendly about her fights with new husband Danny Moder as she has been about him being a "man among men."

b) Country singer-songwriter Tanya Tucker on the first meeting with her fiance, who had a friend with him for protection.

c) Whitney Houston, on a typical day at the Houston-Brown home.

5. "This story is about 1930s women who were smoking, having sex and shooting their husbands. Things don't seem to be any different these days."

a) Queen Latifah, summing up the plot of her upcoming movie Chicago.

b) Author J.K. Rowling, describing the book she has planned once she finishes the Harry Potter series.

c) Britney Spears, on the concept album she wants to do once her career break is over.

6. "I don't think we'll ever break up."

a) Jennifer Lopez, about her and Ben Affleck.

b) Lopez, about her and Cris Judd, in a Sideshow flashback to September 2001.

c) 'N Sync's Joey Fatone, creating a scenario more frightening than the geriatric Rolling Stones.

7. "Believe it or not, there are times that we do things for other than big ratings, and this is one of those times."

a) CBS spokesman Chris Ender, on the network's reaction to the minuscule Latin Grammys ratings.

b) Inside joke at WFTS-Ch. 28 about why it ditched The Drew Carey Show and Whose Line Is It Anyway? last Monday to air a Bucs-Rams Monday Night Football pregame show.

c) NBC, trying to cover its tracks after its Emmy preshow flopped.

8. "If I cross over to the English market, hopefully I won't do it in a cheesy way."

a) Jay Leno, who's just not as popular in Britain as David Letterman.

b) Jorge Moreno, best new artist at the Latin Grammys.

c) One of the sisters in the Spanish group Las Ketchup, whose The Ketchup Song is beginning to catch on in the United States.

ANSWERS: 1,c; 2,b; 3,b; 4,b; 5,a; 6,c; 7,a; 8,b.

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