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Parting words for Crystal River city manager
© St. Petersburg Times EDITOR'S NOTE: Phil Lilly's one-year tenure as Crystal River city manager officially ends today. Let's listen in on his exit interview. "Well, Mr. Lilly, we'd like to thank you for stopping by on your way out of town. We realize that your car is running in the parking lot, so we'll try not to keep you long. "First of all, we'd like to give you this paperweight as a token of our appreciation and as a reminder of your time with us. No need to thank us, we buy these goodbye gifts in bulk for our outgoing city managers. We've used up nearly a dozen since 1990 and we still have a whole room full of 'em. "What's that? Yep, the sculpture of roadkill will make an interesting conversation piece at your next job. "We're sorry to see you go, Phil, but we understand your reasons. Your new job of being in charge of security at an airport will be much less stressful than running Crystal River city hall. At least you'll be able to take action against any suspected terrorists or troublemakers. Unlike here, where you had to grind your molars and yank your ponytail in silence as your enemies sharpened their knives right in front of you. "We'd like to say that we were surprised when you announced you were leaving, but that would be a lie and you know how much those of us in Crystal River government revere the truth. "Phil? Phil? Are you okay? Boy, you had us scared with that choking fit just now. Here, take some water -- you look flushed. "Of course, we should've seen this coming since that day when you said you wanted to take that two-week course in firearms training and defense tactics. We haven't had a city manager want to learn about weapons since '96 when ol' Daryl Oster started waving a banana around during a council meeting, pretending it was a gun. Good thing he had the safety on. "The clincher was saying you needed to hone your skills at high-speed pursuits. We should've known you'd be out on the highway trying to track down David Sallee to talk him into coming back. Guess we just didn't pick up on the signs. "And we'd like to thank you for your suggestions as we start our latest search for a new city manager. Even though we've had plenty of practice, we can use some advice. We're going to keep on trying till we get it right. Who knows? Maybe the ninth time is the charm, eh? "We do have a question about one of your suggestions, though. Right here where it says that anyone dumb enough to want this job shouldn't be hired because they've shown they're not smart enough to do the job. Gee, wouldn't that make it kind of hard to pick someone? We tried to think that one through, but we pulled a muscle. "As for your idea of replacing the City Council with five wild boars, while we agree it would definitely add more IQ points to the mix, it may not be feasible. There are some things that even pigs won't do. "Well, we can hear your wife honking the car horn in the parking lot, so we know you've gotta run. Before you leave, here's a goodbye card for you signed by John Kendall. He said it's the least he could do, seeing as how you signed that goodbye card for him. It was an interesting touch to sign that recall petition in your own blood, even though ink would've done the job just as well. "Oh, one last thing. Here's the name of a good surgeon in town. Don't you think it's about time you had those daggers removed from your back? Man, they gotta hurt!"
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Citrus Times Greg Hamilton |
