WORD FOR WORD

'Swept Away' -- but not soon enough

You may never see the new Madonna movie, Swept Away, directed by her British husband, Guy Ritchie, at least until it's a video at Blockbuster. The movie, a remake of the 1974 comedy, Swept Away by an Unusual Destiny in the Blue Sea of August, took in less than $400,000 when it opened in a few major cities last weekend, which may drastically curtail further distribution.

But that has not discouraged movie critics. With rare unanimity, the critics have rushed to their thesauruses, rooting out every conceivable synonym for "stinks." Here's a sampling. -- JOHN BARRY, deputy Floridian editor

"Swept Away is a deserted island movie during which I desperately wished the characters had chosen one movie to take along if they were stranded on a deserted island, and were showing it to us instead of this one." -- Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun-Times

"These two (Madonna's Amber and Adriano Giannini's Giuseppe) really hate each other. You can feel disgust dripping off the screen. Even the sea air smells stale and foul. Not to mention that "comedy' doesn't enter into this equation, unless you consider the unintentional laughter." -- Jeffrey M. Anderson, San Francisco Examiner

"After a while I found myself wishing they (Madonna and Giannini) would, on their island wanderings, run into Tom Hanks and his volleyball and exchange their grilled octopus recipe for some acting lessons. Chuck Noland and Wilson -- now there was a love story." A.O. Scott, New York Times

"You'll see nothing scarier in Red Dragon." -- Peter Travers, Rolling Stone

"Swept Away accomplishes the impossible: It makes you feel sorry for Madonna." Stephen Hunter, Washington Post

"The real draw of this movie -- which will get more than its money back on guilty pleasure video/DVD rentals -- is pure star-gazing anyway. Madonna fans and emulators can see the result of her hours and hours of gym time per day. . . . But at no point should anyone mistake this for an actual movie." Desson Howe, Washington Post

"After watching her crawl around on all fours and being chained to her lover's bed in the video for Express Yourself, the sight of Madonna kissing Giannini's feet and calling him "master' just feels like more of the same-old." -- Rene Rodriguez, Miami Herald

"I'm betting there will be a lot of foot-stomping in the Ritchie household after this one tanks." -- Glenn Lovell, Knight-Ridder Newspapers

"Gus Van Sant's Psycho, the now infamous shot-by-shot redo of Alfred Hitchcock's classic, is no longer the most appalling remake in existence. No, that distinction has been blasted out of memory -- and likely off the discount video racks." -- Evan Henderson, Los Angeles Daily News

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