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Trying to find my place
By CECILIA A. TUCKER
© St. Petersburg Times
published November 4, 2002
Part 1 of 2
We have been in school now for more than one grading period, and I am miserable. I have done okay academically, but still I haven't found my "niche."
I go to class and talk to people, but I still don't feel connected to anyone special. I am not talking about someone I can date; I am just talking about people with whom I can eat lunch and who might call me to hang out with them over the weekend. I sound desperate, don't I? Actually, I feel some desperation!
When summer ended, I thought things might get better. I haven't heard from any of my friends since June. I told myself that no one called during the summer because I was out of town; maybe my so-called "friends" were just as busy as I was claiming to be. I knew that wasn't the whole truth, because no one even called to know I was gone. I must admit that I didn't make any phone calls, either.
I haven't recuperated from the long, lonely summer, and now I face another year of being an outsider. My social life is nonexistent. I am not sure I can do this for another year. I keep telling myself that life is more than just fun, but a little fun and weekend social life would help me a lot.
My original plan was to hang back and see who would come to me. This ended up leaving ME socially isolated. I would rather be labeled an outsider than a misfit. By default is not a good way to end up with a social group. Then I tried slowly easing my way into a few groups I found interesting, but the cliques were so tight that I couldn't get in.
I have tried to be friendly to people, thinking that if I were friendly they would be friendly in return. Well, Mom, you need to know that advice is actually laughable. Trust me, all of these bright ideas have bombed.
I need a new plan. I feel like the coach of a bad sports team. I have sought advice from others about what I am doing wrong and what I could improve. I have changed my game plan numerous times. I have looked for other players to increase the odds of my being successful. I have gone to more than one place to find friends.
I have even tried to shame others into feeling bad about themselves because they don't include me. I don't have friends because of ME, not because of THEM! Now what am I going to do about my dilemma?
Why do most of the solutions to my problems end up being about ME? Why am I the one who ultimately seems to have to change so my life is better? I kind of like blaming others for my misery.
My new plan is to be more proactive with my friendships and social life. I know I don't reach out to others because I fear they will reject me. I know it sounds crazy, but to avoid the "no" I don't even attempt to take the first step in initiating any social event with anyone. I have to be willing to face a few "nos" to start getting some "yeses."
Are we all playing the same waiting game?
- IT! (Private thoughts of the Indomitable Teen) is written by Cecilia Tucker under the editorial guidance of a panel of teenagers (in exchange for pizza and volunteer hours). Tucker is a licensed marriage and family therapist at the Counseling Center for New Direction in Seminole. Comments are welcome. You may write c/o: IT!, Xpress, the Times, P.O. Box 1121, St. Petersburg, FL 33731, or e-mail Floridian@sptimes.com. If you are interested in being on the teen editorial panel, please contact Cecilia Tucker at revcecilia@msn.com.
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