Sometimes the scent of a woman is too much

OFF/BEAT GLIDEWELL E-mail: Click here Archive

© St. Petersburg Times
published November 8, 2002

Gee, I thought the other day, reading letters regarding a minicontroversy about children in restaurants, are we all just getting old and cranky?

In my own defense, I hasten to point out that I, personally, have been cranky since I was 32, but my question dealt more with us as a society,

First we didn't want barefooted people around us, then it was smokers, then it was beepers, and cell phones and now it is children. Should we all insist on insulating ourselves that much from reality? Agree as I might, where does it stop?

Is "no fat chicks" going to become a standard sign in shop windows rather than a horribly sexist and weightist (a word I just made up and rather like) bumper sticker? Are we headed for a land of "No Beards" or "No Philosophers Who Subscribe to Non-Dualism?"

I started to feel like Rodney King when he said, "Can't we just all get along."

That's before I sat next to the Lilac Lady.

She was elderly, polite, well dressed for the theater, and apparently had decided that an absolutely necessary accessory to her ensemble was about a gallon of lilac-scented perfume.

If I was paranoid I would also assume that she had bribed the theater folks to make sure that she sat directly between me and the nearest air conditioning vent so I didn't miss any of the effect.

It was, indeed, overwhelming. I am a mild asthmatic and was able to breathe, as long as I kept my head turned away and breathed shallowly. People with more severe asthma would have to have moved, and I don't know how one does that in a full house.

And I am not quite sure what the etiquette in such situations is. "Please don't smoke in here, it's against the law" works pretty well with most smokers. "Would you please stop talking on that cell phone before I shove it down your throat" is fairly effective with phone-babblers and "For God's sake GIVE the kid the ice cream he is screaming about and please read this birth control pamphlet on your way home," never works with parents of misbehaving children, but it affords some degree of comfort when you shriek it at the top of your lungs.

How you ask an elderly woman to go outside and hose herself off is a little beyond me.

And I, who usually have no difficulty at all in pointing out to people that their behavior is offensive (and I know all the right phrases because people are always pointing that out to me) couldn't even bring myself to offer someone 30 years older than I tips on grooming and the use of scent.

Don't get me wrong. A little light perfume or cologne is fine in most instances, but we're talking dab behind the ear and on a pulse-point or two here, folks, not something that smells like you plugged your electrically warmed room deodorizer into 220 volts instead of 110.

On the specific issue of children in restaurants. One has to be conscious of the fact that some young couples with children really need a night out at a Long John Silver's or a McDonald's once in a while without forking over an added 20 bucks for a sitter. If you are shelling out $500 or $600, not counting extra tips for the violinist, for dinner for four in a place where ambience is part of the formula, you shouldn't have to keep moving your feet while somebody's kid plays with his toy cars under your feet.

You also shouldn't have to listen to yuppiedom's child-raising philosophy du jour as some young matron pulls a long face and says, "When you use your soup spoon as a catapult and lob your escargot at the lady in the white linen dress, you make mommy feel undervalued and disenfranchised, and we don't want to do that, do we?"

In Tuesday's election, smokers just got yet another message that their habit should remain a solitary one or one that is only enjoyed in the company of other smokers, and most cell phone abusers are like theater talkers are -- incorrigible and will only come under control when we manage to outlaw stupidity.

Hey, now there's a thought.

The right not to be irritated, however, is a little less important than the right to be able to breathe, and if venues ever want to add odor-sniffers to the metal detectors, I'll pay the extra ticket price.

© 2006 • All Rights Reserved • St. Petersburg Times
490 First Avenue South • St. Petersburg, FL 33701 • 727-893-8111

Contact the Times | Privacy Policy
Standard of Accuracy | Terms, Conditions & Copyright