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Ensuring that I'm not left out
By CECILIA A. TUCKER
© St. Petersburg Times
published November 11, 2002
Part 2 of 2
My last thought, in my opinion, was very profound. Could it be that most people my age are so insecure, they don't risk having someone tell them "no," especially when it is an invitation to hang out?
I know how I have felt in the past when I asked people to do something with me and they turned me down. No matter why they said no, part of me decided I wouldn't risk that again. I wonder if that is how I have gotten myself into this big mess?
Now I am beginning to wonder if most of us feel this way. Are we sitting around waiting for someone else to take the risk? You see, in my head, I think "they" are all out having fun without me, but I would never ask because I don't want to know if this is the truth.
Maybe they think I am out having fun, too. What a waste!
When I hear other people talk about what they did over the weekend, I feel jealous. Now I'm wondering if they do these things together all the time, like I used to think, or just some of the time. Do they make these plans to exclude me, or as the plans evolve (usually at the last minute, I'm figuring out), are they just making sure they don't get left out?
Maybe it is NOT about excluding me but taking care of their need to be included. Most of the time I am afraid that if I invited myself, they would tell me they don't want me to go with THEM!
How do these social activities usually come down? No one really gets invited. Everyone sort of chimes in and makes sure they are included. So if I act like I am "in," I get to go.
If I wait for an invitation, I will never be included, because everyone is just taking care of his or her invitation to the happenings. As I talk through this with myself, I am beginning to get the big picture.
There may be times I am excluded on purpose. I know not everyone likes me. But most of the time, I am not willing to take the initiative to include myself in what I consider to be an invitation-only event. Even though I hear other people invite themselves so they can feel important, that approach is not for me.
Yes, I really want a social life, but I have to find a way to be true to me AND have a life. I am afraid of rejection, but maybe it's time for me to go out on a limb and be the instigator of some fun times. Maybe it is time I stop feeling sorry for myself for being left out.
I must decide what I'd like to do on the weekends and hook up with people who might want to hang out with me. I have tried before, but this is now! First, I will need to start remembering the times I have been included instead of focusing on the times I thought I might have been excluded.
Then I need to think ahead of time about the people I enjoy being with and who seem genuinely to like me. I need to come up with ideas and not wait for someone to initiate the plans. I will not limit the people I interact with to three or four. Chances are, the more people I include, the less likely everyone will say no to my ideas. So more is better.
I think I have a plan that I can live with. No more waiting to find a group. I can create my own niche, and I will. I also need to stop whining and feeling sorry for myself. I will also start "acting" like I like ME!
Maybe, just maybe, if I like me better, someone else will like me, too.
- IT! (Private thoughts of the Indomitable Teen) is written by Cecilia Tucker under the editorial guidance of a panel of teenagers (in exchange for pizza and volunteer hours). Tucker is a licensed marriage and family therapist at the Counseling Center for New Direction in Seminole. Comments are welcome. You may write c/o: IT!, Xpress, the St. Petersburg Times, P.O. Box 1121, St. Petersburg, FL 33731, or e-mail Floridian@sptimes.com. If you are interested in being on the teen editorial panel, please contact Cecilia Tucker at revcecilia@msn.com.
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