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Gators more pathetic than hateable

By BRUCE LOWITT, Times Staff Writer
© St. Petersburg Times
published November 30, 2002

Kim Hammond was a quarterback at Florida State (1966-67), finishing fifth as a senior in the Heisman Trophy voting for college football's premier player. He spent 1968-70 in the AFL with the Dolphins and Patriots and is judge of Florida's 7th Circuit Judicial Court in Bunnell. Hammond is Brad Culpepper's brother-in-law. He shared his contempt for the Gators with Times staff writer Bruce Lowitt.

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I miss Steve Spurrier.

I miss being able to tell my Gator buddies -- yes, I allow myself a few Gator buddies; it's one of my few vices -- how in the 12 years Spurrier was at Florida, Bobby Bowden won more games in that stretch.

I miss telling them how Bobby's boys beat Spurrier's seven times while Spurrier's team beat Bobby's only four.

I miss reminding them that Spurrier won one national championship and Bobby's got two, and that Spurrier never won a game in Tallahassee while Bobby beat Spurrier twice in the Swamp.

Ah, the Swamp. I miss that, too. Spurrier gave it that name, didn't he? It's not really much of a swamp anymore, is it? More like, oh, a marsh. Can you say Miami 41, Florida 16? Can you say LSU 36, Florida 7?

Is it still infested with gators or -- remember, I'm not a biologist -- are some of them becoming salamanders? Geckos? Skinks? Whatever they call those cute little lizards that sun themselves on the sidewalk, then run for cover when you walk by.

What I really miss about Spurrier is how he used to throw his visor and wear his emotions on his sleeve. It was easy to hate him. It was fun to hate him.

Ron Zook? He's not exactly animated, or even interesting. What does he do, besides stand around and watch his offense disappear? The Fun 'n' Gun is gone. First the gun, then the fun. Florida's got the nation's 32nd best offense. How exciting!

Which reminds me: Whatever happened to Rex Grossman?

When Zook showed up, he called it the dawn of a new day. I think Eugene O'Neill had it right. It's been a Long Day's Journey into Night.

Do you know how to subdue an alligator? Tape its mouth shut. Works every time.

So here's Ron Zook, who used to say no game was more important than the others. And what has he done? He's taped his players' mouths shut! Yep, he sure is treating this game like all the others. Yeah, just like Vanderbilt.

They nearly lost to Vanderbilt, the 92nd-best team in the nation. There are I-AA teams ranked higher than Vanderbilt. Who loses to Vanderbilt?

Okay, I can see Florida losing to Vanderbilt the way it loses to Florida State -- by comparing SAT scores.

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