Side show

PREPARE TO SUBMERGE: The longer the Oscar telecast runs, the more pointless the "tributes" get on the Emmys, the more bombastic the Grammys get, the easier it is to appreciate the irreverence of the "awards" shows done by VH1 and MTV.

Case in point: The VH1 Big In 2002 awards, presented Wednesday in Los Angeles for what the music network decided were entertainment's most memorable . . . things . . . of the year.

The categories included Do I Look Fat in This Fight, You Can't Spell Bald Without Bad, Shakespeare in Da Hiz-Zouse and You Kiss Your Mother With That Mouth?

The trophy given to the winners was a small, round gold submarine sitting on a small, round gold platform. And that ended up being the night's focal point.

Ice Cube, who won Shakespeare in Da Hiz-Zouse for best movie performance by a rapper, stared at his trophy. "Whatever it is, it's for you," he told the audience, the Associated Press reported.

Vin Diesel, winner of You Can't Spell Bald Without Bad for being the most powerful man with the least hair, said, "What can you say when you're bald and bad and bewildered by such an original award?"

A THOUSAND TRIALS: Lisa Marie Presley made her first major public appearance since saying she made a major mistake marrying Nicolas Cage, and she presented the Can't Get You Out of My Head award (most popular song) to Vanessa Carlton for A Thousand Miles.

Carlton looked puzzled upon receiving her trophy. "I won a submarine," she said.

She also tried to bite one of the submarine's dangerous-looking appendages as Presley looked off the stage to see how fast she could escape.

THE OZZFEST NEVER ENDS: Sharon Osbourne, undergoing chemotherapy for colon cancer, showed up looking good to accept The Osbournes' two awards, Strange But True (reality TV) and You Kiss Your Mother With That Mouth? for foul language.

The Osbournes' very eventful year will be capped Christmas Day when Sharon takes on Queen Elizabeth on British TV. Commercial station Channel 4 asked Sharon to give its annual "alternative Christmas message," which is aired at the same time as the traditional message given by the queen on the BBC.

THE SIN OF BOREDOM: The one area in which the show lacked was fashion.

Ice Cube wore a black football jersey. Presenter Ashton Kutcher of That '70s Show looked like he borrowed a shirt and vest from the show's wardrobe department. Nia Vardalos,a winner for Your Attention Please (scene stealer) for My Big Fat Greek Wedding, dressed like she was ready to replace a member of the Village People. Even Christina Aguilera was disappointingly low-key (relatively speaking).

The one best-dressed award we can give goes to Lucy Liu (winner of Do I Look Fat in This Fight for being the best female fighter in a movie for Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever). She wore a tasteful low-cut black halter dress bordered in what looked like sequins. And whatever she did to keep the dress attached to her chest worked like a charm.

TUNE IN: Check out all the badness and bewilderment when VH1 broadcasts the event Dec. 15.

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