Here I come a-wassailing among the puns so keen

TROXLER E-mail: Click here Archive

By HOWARD TROXLER, Times Columnist

© St. Petersburg Times
published December 25, 2002

O, MEDIUM-SIZED TOWN OF ST. PETERSBURG

O medium-sized town of St. Petersburg

With spacious parks so green

And private sector de-vel-op-ment

As good as you've ever seen

Why then do you so des-p'rate-ly

Crave public relations sheen?

Car races, cruise ships -- what comes next?

"Survivor: U.S. 19"?

O, CUT THAT TREE

(Sung by: DEP Secretary David Struhs)

O, cut that tree, o, cut that tree

So we can build a strip mall.

The per-mit's done, won't it be fun

To hear them creak and then fall.

The aquifer's my favorite place

For storing sur-face runoff waste

O, cut that tree, o cut that tree

Don't percolate the out-fall.

THE TWELVE DAYS OF JUDY

On the twelfth day of Judy,

the trustees gave to me:

Three hundred and twenty-five

thousand dollars

A full-time driver

An annual bonus

My kids' free tuition

Free travel for my husband

A fi-nan-cial adviser

A six-month sabbatical

A fi-i-ve year contract!

Severance pay

Club memberships

A raise every year

And, in case I ever happen to want one,

a partridge in a pear tree.

LITTLE FCAT BOY

Come, they told me,

Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb,

Fill out the cir-cles here,

Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb

If my school's score is too low

Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb,

To private school I'll go

Dumb DUMB dumb dumb dumb,

DUMB dumb dumb dumb,

DUMB dumb dumb dumb,

With my vouchers I'll come.

WHITE CHRISTMAS

(Sung by: T. Lott)

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas

Just like the ones Strom used to know

If he'd been e-lected, we'd have sure corrected

The "troubles" that we had to undergo

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas

With each apol-o-gy I write

May Mississippi stay true

throughout my plight

And may all my Christmases be white.

WE THREE CANDIDATES

We three candidates for Tampa may-or

Charlie, Frank, and Bob the cen-sor

Kissing babies, fearing may-ay-be

We'll finish two, three and four.

Oh, Pam, we wonder, if you might

Realize what's in your sight

Our polls are bleeding, you're proceeding

To give us a col-lec-tive fright.

FROSTY THE DEMOCRAT

Frosty the Democrat

Lost again E-lection Day

So he slapped his head and then he said,

"Will things always be this way?"

Frosty the Democrat

Told the teachers and labor too

"We've got to be more mod-er-ate

"Or we'll lose the next one too."

But there must have been some magic

In the pri-mar-y campaign

'Cause to be the nom-in-a-ted one

He was for tax hikes again!

Oh, then Frosty the Democrat

Was as lib'ral as he could be

He lost the vote but still could gloat

He filled his party's heart with glee.

WRAP THE FISH

(To the tune of "Deck the Halls")

Wrap the fish with this newspaper!

Fa la la la la, la la la la!

Use the columns most disfavored!

Fa la la la la, la la la la!

Me or Me-lone, Shelton, Maxwell

Fa la la la la, la la la la!

Mut-ter that we can go to heck

Fa la la la la, la la, la LA!

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