Happy holidays take work

Many of us are emotionally vulnerable during this time of year, so bear in mind these suggestions.

By WILLIAM G. EMENER
© St. Petersburg Times
published December 31, 2002

Holidays can be like magnifying glasses: They easily can blow issues, events, memories, experiences and feelings out of proportion. Sometimes you don't even know that it is happening.

For our own well-being, and for the well-being of our loved ones, it is important to remain aware of some important issues associated with holidays, especially New Year's.

Many of us struggle with what our life is in reality and what it is supposed to be. We also confuse what is and what used to be, what could be and what may be.

If you are struggling with these issues this holiday season, these suggestions may be helpful:

1. Try to stay focused on what is. This is easier said than done, yet I believe it is easier to learn to want what you have than it is to have what you want. And some of what you may want may be impossible (for example, if Dad died two years ago, he can't be here for New Year's).

2. Recognize and avoid guilt trips. My children, your children and all children may have wanted (and deserved) a $400 bicycle. But if you could afford only a $25 present, try to remember that what they need most is a mentally healthy and financially stable parent who can give them what they need more than any bike: love and happiness.

3. Focus on your haves, not your have nots. Mom, Dad or someone else you love may not be with you this year. And that may cause sad moments. But you may still have other loved ones who will be with you. You may be struggling with sadness associated with your memories, but remember: Today's realities are your future memories.

4. Avoid doing stupid things. If you are feeling sad, lonely and down, and you are alone on New Year's Eve, call and visit friends. Getting drunk at a bar will not solve anything (and New Year's Day will even be worse).

5. Help yourself by helping others. Being alone on New Year's Day can be very depressing. Volunteering at a nursing home or food shelter not only can be helpful to others, but chances are, it will bring holiday spirit and joy into your heart as well.

6. Try not to overcontrol. Even though you may know what you want your loved ones to do and experience on New Year's, you cannot make happiness for them. That is something they have to experience for themselves. Happiness is an inner experience that tends to flourish only in an atmosphere of openness and freedom -- freedom to be what you want to be, not what (or who) someone else wants you to be.

7. Try not to do everything yourself. As an adult once said to me, "When I was a child, Christmas and New Year's were times to watch Mom and Dad do everything. That's the only way it would be done right. I have beautiful pictures of perfection and plastic smiles, and horrible memories of real frustration and sadness." Share the planning, and share the doing. In doing so, you share the joy.

If you are contemplating serious New Year's resolutions, try to remember that the best way to begin changing and improving your life is to begin changing and improving the way you live it.

-- Dr. William G. Emener is a Distinguished Research Professor at the University of South Florida's Tampa campus and a licensed psychologist in St. Petersburg.

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