Side show

A guide for the football-impaired

You don't know a quarterback from Nickelback. "Paper or plastic?" has more meaning in your life than "Run or pass?" Down is the stuff in your jacket that's been keeping you warm. And for all you care, the coach of the Bucs might as well have starred in those Chucky slasher movies.

You are not a football fan.

Still, even you haven't been able to escape the hype over today's game. You may even understand that "Isn't it great that Brad Johnson's back problem is fixed?" is a better pickup line than "Are you as excited as I am about Stefan Sanderling taking over the Florida Orchestra?"

Now it's time for the next step: learning the basics of football, the major characters in today's Bucs-Eagles game and some talking points so that even the most football-impaired among you will feel like Howie Long (the guy in the Radio Shack commercials; he's also a member of the Pro Football Hall of Fame).

THE LONGEST HOUR KNOWN TO MAN: A game is 60 minutes long; it is broken into four periods of play, called quarters, each 15 minutes long. Except that the clock keeping the time is often stopped for various reasons, including too many TV commercial breaks, so in real time, a game lasts about three hours.

THE METHOD TO THE MADNESS: The team on the field with the ball and trying to score points is on offense. The team trying to keep the other team from scoring is on defense. Each team is allowed to have 11 players on the field; each of those players has a designated position and a designated job. The leader of the offense is the quarterback. The leader of the defense is whoever wants to be.

MAKE YOUR POINTS: The offense's objective is to carry or pass the ball across the other team's goal line for a touchdown (six points) or get close enough to the goal line so its kicker can kick the ball through the goal posts for a field goal (three points). "Close enough" can be deemed anywhere from 20 to 55 yards, depending on how desperate the team is for points.

The defense can score, too. If it is really good, or really lucky, or the other team's offense is really bad, it can take the ball away from the other team and score a touchdown. This is not usual, which is why there was some consternation early this season when Derrick Brooks, who plays defense for the Bucs, was leading the team in touchdowns. Which brings to mind the oft-heard phrase: "The best offense is a good defense."

WHAT'S UP WITH DOWNS: The offense has four tries, called downs, to move the ball a minimum of 10 yards. If it doesn't, it has to give the other team the ball.

Why 10 yards? It's a long story. For now, we will give you the answer a wise parent once gave us: "Because."

BRINGING ORDER TO CHAOS, AND VICE VERSA: Football has many, many rules. The people who decide if a rule has been violated are the men in the white-and-black striped shirts who roam the field. They are called officials. If they think someone has broken a rule, they throw a yellow penalty flag.

If a team challenges a penalty, the head official, called the referee, must watch several TV replays to decide whether the call was right or wrong. Fortunately for the referee, he doesn't have to listen to the accompanying TV commentary.

No matter what the referee decides, somebody's probably going to yell about it. Take your cues today from the guy who looks like Chucky.

THE END RESULT: If the game ends with the score tied, the teams play an overtime period of 15 minutes. The first team that scores wins, like in hockey. Which is even harder to explain. And the Lightning might actually make the playoffs this season . . .

TRYING TO SOUND LIKE A SEASONED FAN? TRY THESE CASUAL REMARKS:

This video replay stuff is ridiculous.

Video replay is the best thing to happen to the league.

This is the worst officiating I've ever seen in the league.

Being on the road really isn't a disadvantage. In each of the past five seasons, the visiting team has won at least one of the two conference championship games.

McNabb looked good against the Falcons last week, but that right ankle could still give him trouble. I mean, how long could you last on a broken ankle?

The Bucs won't be able to handle the Eagles' blitz.

Alstott or Pittman?

This Bucs team can win in cold weather.

COMMENTS TO AVOID AROUND SERIOUS FOOTBALL FANS:

Is that really Donovan McNabb's mother in those Chunky Soup commercials with him?

Women who weigh as much as some of those guys could never get away with wearing pants that tight.

So, Keanu Reeves was some kind of replacement player? And Cameron Diaz owns one of the teams?

The best offense is a good defense.

The best defense is a good offense.

I loved (fill in the blank) singing the national anthem.

How do those guys with dreadlocks get helmets that fit?

© 2006 • All Rights Reserved • Tampa Bay Times
490 First Avenue South • St. Petersburg, FL 33701 • 727-893-8111

Contact the Times | Privacy Policy
Standard of Accuracy | Terms, Conditions & Copyright