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When in Japan, do as the Japanese
By SUSAN MILES
"Do you like living in Japan?" "How are you coping with life in Japan?" My friends and family in Australia would obviously ask one of these as a precursor to queries about my new home, job and lifestyle. But my Japanese friends and colleagues also ask. Not out of curiosity, but out of an earnest concern for my well-being. They are convinced that my new life must be both stressful and difficult as a result of the radically different culture and customs I must become accustomed to in Japan. What I would take for patronizing anywhere else, is graciously accepted when my Japanese friends insist on "teaching me Japanese life." The sheer number and strictness of daily customs in Japan make this education process not just an interesting pastime but also a necessity in order to function in this country. The examples are many: In my corporate working life in Australia, morning greetings are casual and personal. Meetings usually start with a few pleasantries before discussing business matters. Now, as a staff member at a Japanese junior high school, I participate in a group bow and greeting to my principal at the start of each meeting. My initial introduction to new colleagues created amusement and awkwardness when I offered a handshake and an enthusiastic "good morning" rather than a bow and a demure greeting. I have had to learn the art of balancing my cappuccino, satchel and newspaper while changing from my outdoor shoes to indoor shoes at the entrance to my school. Here, it is considered insulting to wear the shoes you have worn outside when you are inside a home, school or business. When visiting a Japanese home, your host will offer you indoor slippers, but at my school all the teachers and students have two pairs of shoes. There is constant changing of footwear at the door as they move in and out during the day. (Even during the occasional earthquake drill, teachers stop to change shoes before leading the kids out of the building -- which seems to defeat the purpose of a realistic drill.) The shoe-changing space at school is rather limited; I would hate to see the jostling for position when three or more of my colleagues arrive together. There are less-tangible but significant differences, too, so that behaviors or actions that would be taken in a positive light in my native country can sometimes backfire in Japan. For instance, I am used to a work environment that welcomes questions and debate, but now I find myself in one that values quiet acceptance of rules and directions. My supervisor takes queries to his instructions not as an effort to clarify his request, but as an insult that he has not explained himself clearly enough. In addition, I have learned that I must state what I intend to do rather than ask my supervisor, as would normally be a common courtesy at home. In Japan this type of query is taken as a request for my boss to actually make a decision on my behalf. Often the result is that I get the opposite answer than what I was seeking. Greetings upon greetings
Most of the Japanese customs I have experienced I both enjoy and respect, as they are genuine attempts to make life civilized and to show courtesy to one another. For example, a meal is not started until all are served and a greeting is made to acknowledge the good food we are about to enjoy. We stand in line patiently waiting to board a train, bus or monorail, even to cross the street. And all the staff in a store, bank or other business greets and says farewell to customers as they arrive and depart. On my third day in Japan, I entered a bank and was inundated with greetings from each employee who saw me as I walked across the foyer. Thinking I was being trailed by a VIP, I turned to discover that little old me was the subject of all this attention. Although flattering and enjoyable the first dozen times, it became annoying when it occurred every time I entered my bank, post office or convenience store and got this patterned greeting. Yet I feel sympathy for my travel agent and my bank teller, who must keep one eye on their work and one on the door to ensure they acknowledge every customer who enters or leaves. These polite courtesies sometimes hamper rather than enhance daily life. My lunch, for instance, is often shared with 30 teenagers. Thus the serving and sitting down to eat can be a drawn-out process, taking 20 minutes, as rice or noodles become cold and unappetizing. Even the act of offering an extra piece of fruit or a drink produces the need for a Japanese teenage ritual. A complex round of "rock, paper, scissors" must be played to decide who will receive the food. A student on a streak of good luck can accumulate a pile of items if he or she chooses to contest each item that is offered. The minefield of socializingSome Japanese consider Westerners impolite because we don't know of these behaviors, and thus our own culture must be devoid of good manners. I have had to explain to my Japanese colleagues and friends that our manners are just more subtle and that they can vary greatly, given the circumstances and situation. It is difficult to convey to the Japanese that there are few "must do's" in Western society, but instead "highly recommended" behaviors. Socializing is another new and challenging minefield. I do enjoy friendly chats and introductions from strangers who are eager to practice their English. However, it is hard to know whether I am popular for who I am or more for what I am; that is, a native English speaker. However, this curiosity makes meeting people and making new friends in Japan pretty easy. Invitations to dinners, events and outings are sincerely followed up by my new acquaintances. A vague "Let's get together sometime" does not appear to be in their vocabulary. But the interest is sometimes overwhelming. I have had my laps at the pool interrupted by people inquiring, "Do you speak English?" And I received an invitation to meet a colleague's adult daughter because she was interested in having "foreign friends." My corporate brain has kicked in: I wonder if I could "outsource" some of these invitations to my newly arrived Western colleagues. Even time spent with existing Japanese friends can be stressful. Recently, I could not figure out why a casual Sunday afternoon catching up with my old friend Tomomi at her house caused such a strain. Even there, I had to be mindful of Japanese customs -- from how I left my shoes at the doorway (facing outward) to the way I poured a drink for my host (with two hands) to how I accepted a business card from Tomomi's husband, Sinji (again, with two hands, and showing admiration before carefully placing it in my wallet).
Laughter, and saving faceBut these friendly visits have not been without humor. While leaving a restaurant recently with Tomomi and her husband, and mindful of Sinji's overburdened arms holding baby Akari, I retrieved both my shoes and his from the restaurant's shoe lockers. I correctly placed them facing outward. This produced a roar of laughter from Tomomi. I was performing a task that, by custom, is reserved for a wife. Going beyond friendship is more difficult to navigate. A young American colleague of mine had formed a lovely friendship with one of her Japanese male colleagues. He invited her to meet his friends at the local International Association. However, when that venue was found to be closed and the American casually suggested dinner as a suitable substitute, things got sticky. The young man, up until now polite and friendly, unceremoniously dumped my colleague at the 100Yen Store with a hurried, "Oh, I have to go shopping." Through discreet inquiries, the American woman and I discovered it had all been about "saving face." The man was concerned that should he be seen in public, alone with a Western female colleague by another of their co-workers, their supervisor or even by a parent of a student from his class, the friendship might be labeled an interracial romance. My own personal slip in this area was an overenthusiastic greeting of a male Japanese friend whom I had not seen for three years. My reunion hug and kiss in public, which would normally not raise a glance in Australia or the United States, produced a number of stares and for my poor friend, Hayata, a bright red blush. On weekends and public holidays, I have joined the human sea on trains and buses, off to visit temples, shrines, parks and gardens. Though they can become crowded, such places do evoke peacefulness. One of my few refuges from Japanese customs is the simple act of running. I have always enjoyed this pastime as an escape from pressures, a chance to clear my head. However, the nature of my running in Japan pretty much symbolizes my life here : My course is compact, a repetitive loop in a small park that requires me to maneuver around countless obstacles and individuals. -- Susan Miles is an Australian living in Chiba City, Japan.
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