Reality TV shows Fox might find tempting

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© St. Petersburg Times
published January 21, 2003

Reality TV comes to Dade City?

That was the thrust of a news story that ran this weekend, that Fox Television, the people whose local newsies got so breathless over the Bucs' playoff win Sunday that they forgot a few other items of possible interest, like an impending war on two fronts and a moribund economy -- is scouting Dade City as a possible location for a new "reality" television series.

For those who don't know, Reality TV is the genre that would have us believe that there is something real about a bunch of whiny 20-somethings living in a mansion and working at make-believe jobs, that there is something noble in eating boiled bull testicles and live scorpions and that real life lessons can be learned by putting shallow, beautiful people into romantic situations and letting them decide which of them should wind up with the other.

The only thing real about Reality TV is that it is a real indicator that we are a society in decline and that Juvenal's ironic observation about pan et circensen (People won't pay too much attention to what is going on in government as long as they have bread and circuses.) is correct.

Dade City is only one of 25 small cities in Texas, Florida, Louisiana and Alabama being considered to be the host of a show about the daughters of celebrities on a ranch or farm and lets them have the joys of small town life. Sort of a "Kelly Osbourne Joins the FFA," theme. There are still a few farms and cattle ranches in Dade City, and I guess we could pull it off, although a real reality show would show the kids looking at the condos where the orange groves used to be and trying to master the complexities of working in an antique store.

Not that the area wouldn't lend itself to a variety of reality shows. Let's speculate on a few:

Survivor: Moon Lake -- (Based on a theme first suggested for the Northwestern United States in a Jay Leno monologue.) Fifteen people of various ages and from various backgrounds are plopped down in a rural, largely conservative portion of Pasco County where working folks, retired folks, a Ku Klux Klansman or two, some unreconstructed hippies, some survivalists and a coven of witches make their homes. They are given a brand new Volvo for transportation, but it has bumper stickers on front and back reading, "We're Democrats. We're Gay. We're Here to Take Your Guns Away." County government doesn't know the area exists, and the tribes will spend days trying to find their way through a network of paved and unpaved roads. Put your money on either the crusty old ex-schoolteacher or the young bimbo in the tight bikini, whom producers will try to keep on the show as long as possible.

Fear Factor: Spring Hill -- Stunts include trying to locate building numbers while being followed by speeding rock trucks on U.S. 19, trying to cross U.S. 19 and trying to gag down such local delicacies as chitterlings and boiled peanuts. Look out for fake bear wrestling scenes, since most of the bear habitat has been replaced with pavement.

Bachelorette: Citrus County -- Watch as our lovely bachelorette tries to find prospective husbands not driving golf carts or pickup trucks. See her award a rose to her chosen over a romantic meal at Golden Corral after watching the annual Developers vs. Preservationists tractor pull.

Road Rules: Pasco County -- Two groups of people almost as whiny as the ones in the Real World race each other across the county in motor homes. Neither makes it past U.S. 41 because of construction delays. They eventually bore each other to death except for one in each vehicle who winds up shirtless and swearing and being pushed into a squad car on an episode of Cops.

Or:

The Oswells -- Watch an aging rocker (sort of) as he deals with the physical realities brought on by his life of dissolution. Laugh with him as he tries to figure out what planet his kids are from and wrestles with a growing and confusing array of electronic and mechanical devices that confound him. Understanding in advance that most of what he says (and writes) is incoherent and that the frequent bleeps cover not only the odd profanity but also a lot of embarrassing pauses as he tries to recall what was passing weekly for a train of thought.

I would, of course, be thrilled to serve as a writer, or, in the last case, star and technical consultant on any of these shows.

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