Commuting: Lane Ranger

Super Bowl tieups can make Brandon look almost blissful

For about an hour and a half Monday night, I sat in my car in a parking lot outside Raymond James Stadium, having just welcomed the Buccaneers back from their Super Bowl triumph in San Diego.

Much of that time, I was listening to other Buc fans call talk radio shows to tell the hosts how they, too, were sitting in traffic after leaving the stadium. It was a strange sensation, hearing a fellow Buccaneer fan -- quite possibly the Buccaneer fan in the car in front of me -- describe our shared gridlock to a complete stranger in Chicago.

In a traffic jam, is there any more defeated feeling than the one accompanying the decision to abandon all hope of forward progress and simply put the car in park?

Unlike Tampa, Brandon is home to few, if any, sizeable sporting events, and thus is blissfully free from the parking-related traffic hassles that weigh them down like boots on a brake pedal.

Take Super Bowl Sunday, for instance. The biggest event in town may have been the Super Bowl party at Barnacles on Providence Road, where 900 or more patrons watched the game on hundreds of televisions.

Manager Jenny Waters said fans at Barnacles usually park on a nearby piece of land owned by Krispy Kreme. Usually, there are few parking problems, as some fans leave early and some stay late.

The previous owner of the makeshift lot, a Chinese restaurant, used to charge Barnacles patrons on Friday and Saturday nights, but Krispy Kreme lets them park free.

I will avoid the obvious joke about doing donuts in the parking lot, but I can't overlook the fact that once Krispy Kreme builds its store, Buc fans could be in a bear claw of trouble.

"Parking is an issue, for sure," said Barnacles' manager Jenny Waters. "I don't know the layout of their restaurant. I don't know how much parking they're going to allow."

At big high school football games, where thousands of fans in hundreds of cars can jam tiny parking lots, some schools have worse parking woes than others. For example, when Bloomingdale visits Brandon, post-game traffic isn't that bad because there are three exits from the Brandon High parking lot.

"We've got anywhere from 12 to 15 sheriff's deputies assigned to that event, so they station themselves and block off traffic," said Brandon High athletics director Mike Burnett. "There's a little congestion, but nothing noteworthy."

Not the case at Durant High in Plant City, where there's only one way in and out.

"If you're out there, unless you're going to Bealsville, you're pretty much all going the same way to get back into Brandon," Burnett said.

Bealsville was sounding pretty good to me after an hour and a half in the parking knot -- er, lot -- outside Raymond James.

The next time the Bucs win the Super Bowl, you can find me at Barnacles, munching a cruller and basking in the red glow of the "Hot Now" sign.

EVERY DAY, the Sheriff's Office and Florida Highway Patrol respond to dozens of accidents, sometimes more than a hundred. All are honest-to-goodness traffic crashes that require the attention of trained professionals. Some require medical attention. Some involve minimal damage.

And some probably happened because the driver was simultaneously chatting on a cell phone, fiddling with a Palm Pilot, eating an oatmeal raisin cookie, sifting through the glove box for a Matchbox Twenty CD, flipping off the driver in the next car, and adjusting his or her underpants.

It is for drivers like these that we present: The Axies.

In the spirit of the Emmys and the Grammys, the Axies aim to honor those drivers and accidents that are unusual, thought-provoking or just plain dumb.

Each week, we'll have a different Axie to present. Our goal is to encourage safe travel by pointing out the mistakes of others.

Our first Axie goes this week to a young bicyclist who, in a curious display of intestinal fortitude, decided to engage in bike stunts at the intersection of Providence Road and Bloomingdale Avenue on Jan. 18.

The 16-year-old bicyclist and a friend were jumping concrete dividers in the middle of Providence. On one successful attempt, our Axie recipient flew majestically through the air and landed, not quite as majestically, on the windshield of an oncoming Ford.

The biker suffered some nasty scrapes, including staples in his head and a foot that was broken in two places. He's now out of the hospital and in good spirits.

You can't say he didn't mature following the accident. The next day, Jan. 19, happened to be his 17th birthday.

His gift from the Lane Ranger: the inaugural Axie.

There's no need for a thank you card. Just look both ways from now on.

-- The Lane Ranger is currently stuck in traffic. But he can be reached at 226-3374 or at cridlin@sptimes.com .