© St. Petersburg Times, published January 31, 2003
Pirate sightings consume us these days.
Last weekend, there were Buccaneer pirates of Super Bowl fame.
This weekend, we meet the pirates of Gasparilla.
Such times breed confusion. The Bucs, after all, will lead the Gasparilla parade Saturday. How will we distinguish one breed of pirate from another?
A few telltale signs:
-- Pirates attend balls.
Bucs spike balls.
-- Bucs won a Super Bowl trophy.
Pirates win trophy wives.
-- Pirates usually walk.
Bucs go for the drive.
-- Pirates fire pistols.
Bucs fire coaches.
-- Bucs sell beer for an arm and a leg.
Pirates trade treasures for the baring of bosoms.
-- Bucs take kids on charity trips to Africa.
Pirates throw kids fake coins.
-- Bucs catch passes.
Pirates make passes.
-- Bucs follow their Johnsons.
-- Bucs like the no-huddle offense.
Pirates? Any offense is okay.
-- Bucs wear mouth guards.
Pirates could use them.
-- Pirates like a good face mask.
Bucs get penalties for that.
-- Bucs work hard for Chucky.
Pirates hope to get lucky.
-- Bucs wear the same old numbers.
Pirates ask women for new ones.
-- Pirates drink till they fade.
Bucs swallow Gatorade.
-- Bucs colors are red and pewter.
Pirates are traditionally white.
-- Bucs get timeouts.
Pirates should be sent to timeout.
-- Bucs pound the rock.
Pirates pound whiskey on the rocks.
-- Bucs are supported by pads.
Pirates get help from Dads.
-- Bucs wear Super Bowl rings.
Pirates? Cheap, plastic things.
-- Pirates are simply paraders.
The Bucs crushed the Raiders.
-- Tampa's Kennedy Boulevard was once called Grand Central. Now Grand Central is a weekly City Times column. Writer Patty Ryan can be reached at 226-3382 or email@example.com .