 |
||||||||
 |
|
|||||||
|
||||||||
|
 |
Too late to mediate if clothes are up in flames
© St. Petersburg Times My pal Tom Stearns just can't stand the thought that I am retiring and he isn't, so he keeps coming up with ideas for me to have what he calls a "mid-life career change." He ignores my response that if I am at mid life it means I have to live to be 118 years old. His latest brain-squall is that he and I, based on our extensive life experience, can open our own business, Glidewell & Stearns Certified Divorce Planners. Armed with certification from the ICDP (Institute for Certified Divorce Planners), a toll-free telephone number (He suggests 1-800-ATTHEBAR, ext. SEAT2) and our experience of having been shown the door, collectively, by enough women to fill a small banquet room, he thinks we could get rich by convincing others that we feel their pain and know how to lessen it. There really is an ICDP, by the way, and it really does train and certify divorce planners. I'm not joking about that, just nearly everything else. Divorce to be sure, is a serious matter, and with almost half of all first marriages ending that way, it may make sense to bring a professional into the mix, although I don't know if an ICDP gift certificate, however practical, is a socially correct wedding present. And in divorce there are complex social, legal and economic issues that sometimes require professional advice from lawyers and accountants, so why not throw one more into the mix? After paying us and the other divorce pros, there won't be enough left to fight over, so we can offer much more amicable settlements. I know that this outfit is for serious professionals and that they want to provide a real service, but Tom and I, with a total of 10 marriages between us (neither of us has ever bought a blender in his adult life) can offer other advice and tips like: A sure sign of trouble is when you come home and find all your clothes in the yard. If they are also on fire, it is probably too late for mediation. Verbal agreements are a fine and honorable way to divide property and fix alimony and child custody, if you are sure you will have no future need of shelter, cash, credit or the patter of little feet. Never choose your lawyer based on the size of his or her neon sign. If your lawyer has never been divorced (four or five of them have not), find another one, who will probably be more capable of compassion. If geographically possible, place at least three states between yourself and your ex-spouse; four between yourself and your in-laws. Always be ready to admit the part your actions played in the break-up. Admit it in a diary, nowhere else. Destroy your diary. Do it NOW! We're not kidding. Never appear at the divorce hearing with anyone named Bambi or Lance -- even if it's a relative. Don't even think about criminal solutions to your problem. You should have seen enough reality television to know that there are no hit men, only undercover sheriff's deputies pretending to be one. The feedback squeaks from the microphone under his lapel should be a dead giveaway. Don't try to hide your assets. Anyone who thinks most divorce lawyers don't understand off-shore banking, two sets of books and buried bullion, doesn't live in the real world. Actually, being divorced is one of the few times in your life that you can truly appreciate being poor. The proceeds of all my divorce settlements have been small enough that the recipient could carry them away in their glove compartments. Stearns and I, by the way, both feel we are probably past personal concerns about divorce. My wife of one year (in a couple of weeks) comes from a religious tradition strongly opposed to the institution and her cooking is such that a sudden unexpected death on my part would very likely be seen as the result of a culinary mishap. And neither of us has enough money left to make us attractive to divorce lawyers expecting to recover attorney's fees. If you are going to be consulting a pro, don't forget marriage counselors. They are frequently effective, usually not as costly, and, when you are done, you don't have to order new personalized checks.
 © 2006 • All Rights Reserved • Tampa Bay Times
490 First Avenue South • St. Petersburg, FL 33701 • 727-893-8111 
|
|
Times columns today From the Times North Suncoast desks |
