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Grandparents: Living examples for children
By ETHEL M. SHARP
Yet grandparents also face challenges: Many are caring for an older family member, and many are separated from their family. With these and other challenges facing grandparents, they still play a crucial role in their grandchildren's well-being. This message became clearer to me as several acquaintances discussed the space shuttle tragedy. They discussed their sadness and the fact that their grandchildren were also not immune to the grief that follows a loss. Almost everyone has experienced some kind of sorrow or grief, but grandparents who can talk about the loss of a spouse, a child, parent or pet, can open lines of communication so healing can take place. When we talk about our pain it helps us too. Children imitate what they see and hear, so grandparents who are able to talk about grief can set positive examples of how to handle losses in life. This often is the most effective way to build a connection of love and care. Grandparents must also realize they can't reverse or remove loss from the lives of grandchildren; neither can they pretend they don't exist. Our goal should be to discuss the loss, listen, then help our grandchildren share their feelings. Grandparents and grandchildren can relate to one another in ways that may be difficult for parents and children. This special relationship can be more relaxed than that of parent-child. Grandparents don't have to play the "heavy," which is why grandchild relationship can be enjoyable and satisfying to both generations. Today, more than ever, families need to band together and keep the lines of communication open. With the threat of war, the grandparent/grandchild link is necessary so that all kinds of feelings can be expressed in natural ways. Being emotionally available for each other is important. Grandparents need the stimulation of grandchildren, and grandchildren must learn to appreciate the living history their grandparents represent with their accumulated knowledge, experience and wisdom. In turn, grandparents must be willing to broaden their understanding, respect and appreciation of young people. Wisdom can't be taught; it comes with age. It's up to grandparents to take advantage of the opportunities that are presented, while keeping in mind that they are not the parents. It is important for grandparents to learn to enjoy their role yet understand that they carry different responsibilities and benefits than do parents. Knowing that we can discuss our losses with someone who will listen and care can bring healing. Here are some useful mechanisms for coping with loss and change in life: Read about grief and its different stages. Begin a list of your losses from the earliest age you can remember. Acknowledge feelings. Feelings are neither right or wrong; they are our feelings. Be patient with yourself and others. Ask your grandchild a question that can lead to a discussion about feelings that need to come into the open. Just the fact that you're asking a question indicates you have the time and heart to be interested. Discuss your painful emotions with your grandchild, and turn the pain into a positive learning experience. Make sure your grandchildren knows there are many sources they can turn to for help, such as support groups, bereavement groups, mental health counselors or a clergy member. Tell your grandchildren that it's not what we've made in life, it's what we've made out of life that counts. Grandparents are the visible example. - Ethel M. Sharp is executive director of Aging Matters Inc., a nonprofit network for family caregivers and elder care. You can write her in care of Seniority, the St. Petersburg Times, P.O. Box 1121, St. Petersburg, FL 33731. When seeking more information, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope and include your telephone number, with area code.
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From the Times Seniority pages |
