Word for Word

Munch on this

By : LANE DeGREGORY
© St. Petersburg Times
published March 3, 2003

"HUGE MONSTER CHEETO! VERY RARE!"

That's what the ad said on eBay. A photo of the orange-dusted oddity appeared underneath, next to a quarter and (if there is such a thing) an ordinary Cheeto.

A seller called mpevans said he discovered the "absolutely humongous Cheetos glob" in "an ordinary bag of Cheetos brand snacks."

Mpevans, of Honolulu, Hawaii, sells lots of strange stuff on Internet auctions: Marine Corps tents from the Korean War, mannequin parts, a 1994 Saturn dual overhead cam. The rare Cheeto, he assured would-be buyers, is untouched by human hands. "The Frito Lay company will pay big bucks for this item," he said.

Frito Lay corporate offices in Plano, Texas, were closed last week due to "inclement weather," an answering machine said. So no one could comment on the value of such a crunchy gem.

Bidding on eBay started at 3:05 a.m. Feb. 19 -- at 1 cent. Within 12 hours, offers had climbed to $25, then $200, then an unbelievable $7,400.

An Internet site called Fark.com picked up the news. The "Very Gross!" snack generated more chatter than 3-D Doritos. Within two days, 41,727 Fark users had checked out the cheesy wonder. Their wisecrack comments filled 37 pages.

Disc jockeys interviewed the seller on a half-dozen radio stations. Bids for the blob continued to soar.

eBay officials decided the glob was a joke. They pulled the first listing and said collecting on that bid would be up to the seller. By the next morning, a proliferation of cheesy products was available on eBay: "The amazing Cheeto original picture," going for 71 cents; a "Picture of ME (whoever ME is) looking at eBay massive Cheeto!" Someone actually offered $11.52 for that oddity (which may, in its own way, be weirder than an amorphous crunchy glob.)

Throughout the week, the war over the strange snack continued. eBay kept yanking the glob. The seller kept relisting it. Bids reached an unprecedented $99,999,999.00.

Then, folks in Tennessee and Nova Scotia added their own cheesy twists. Two different sellers created t-shirts: "World's Largest E-bay Cheeto," says the Nova Scotia variety, which got a high bid of $74.99. The ad promises an added bonus for folks sporting big orange blobs across their chests: "100% Guaranteed to make girls want you."

Following is the text of the second eBay Cheeto listing.

-- Lane DeGregory, Times Staff Writer

"Absolutely humongous Cheetos glob in a solid mass. This baby tips the scales at a whopping .6 ounces, and is a real aberration. See quarter for size comparison (quarter not included, sorry).

"Very Gross! This came from an ordinary bag of Cheetos brand snacks, and the Frito Lay company will pay big bucks for this item. The monster Cheeto for sale is the one on the left. The normal one on the right, sadly, has already been eaten. Untouched by human hands. (I'm afraid to touch it.) Unlike the knuckle draggers (like the unemployed folks who gossip on FARK.COM, but otherwise do little else) out there, I pour my Cheetos into a bowl to eat them instead of sticking my hand into the bag . . .

"This Cheeto will cost $4.95 for priority mail, insured. Foreign bidders are welcome, but will pay higher shipping costs. Payment by PayPal.com only. Please!

"Please note: SELLER RESERVES THE RIGHT TO REFUSE ANY OR ALL BIDS DEEMED NOT SINCERE, OR TO HOLD ACCOUNTABLE THOSE WHO DO BID AT HIS DISCRETION. Remember, it is an auction, and all bids are legally binding, as in a contract."

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