IT!

Struggling with addiction to computer pornography

Second of two parts.

I HAVE ADMITTED THAT I AM ADDICTED.

Now what do I do? STOP!

Yes, this is a real teenage issue because I am a teenager and I can't seem to shake this problem. I know you must think I am a horrible person. Now that I think about it, I don't know what you think but I am certainly convinced that I am a horrible person. What kind of person lets themselves be controlled by trashy pictures? I am disgusted with myself for not respecting myself and other people any more than this.

I tell myself how "good" I am because I don't abuse or hurt "real people." They are only Internet images. My conscience knows better. If I recognized a real person on these sites, how would I handle it? How much longer will I lie to myself about my addiction?

I still want to blame the marketing companies for hooking me. I want to say I didn't know any better. I want to pretend to still be naive but all of that is a lie. This may be the most honest paragraph I have written. This is the truth.

How do I stop? Who can I tell that won't condemn me? How do I put what I do in words? What good will telling anyone really do? How long will it take for me to get back to "normal"? Is there a way out of this addiction or will I always struggle with this problem? Aren't most teenagers susceptible to this kind of addiction or is it just me? What will happen to me if I can't stop? Who will understand me?

What will people think of me if I tell the truth about myself? Isn't there another way to stop, without having to completely admit my weaknesses? Where do I start? Is there hope for me?

I feel doomed and so ashamed of myself.

I think the answers are found when I talk and when I confess. I feel better as I face the truth about me but this is really difficult to do.

Truth is the key here. My addiction has to be confronted with the truth. I am an addict. The truth is these are real people I am exploiting. The sites I go to could be my sister or brother, my mother or father, my cousin or friend. I am ashamed of the secrets I hold inside of me. The truth is I have isolated myself from everyone and I feel close to no one.

These porn sites have an incredible power over me. I can't find meaning in life when I spend all of my time in front of a computer. I don't like me when I compromise myself. I am a voyeur. I am showing complete disrespect for others when I secretly look at them and watch them. The truth is I am ready to take charge of my life again.

Addicts need support. I am an addict and I need help.

I will seek out someone who will listen to me without judging me. I will know I am not alone as a teenager with this type of problem. I will be honest with myself about how I am not in control of myself and this is no longer something that will go away as I get older. I am ready to do whatever it takes to get my life back as I once knew it.

I surrender myself not to the addiction anymore, but to healing. I will even join a group that deals with this issue. I want my life back. Tell me I can get it back again and reconnect to people as I disconnect from the web that confines me.

The truth will set me free and this is my hope!

- IT! (Private thoughts of the Indomitable Teen) is written by Cecilia Tucker under the editorial guidance of a panel of teenagers (in exchange for pizza and volunteer hours). Tucker is a licensed marriage and family therapist at the Counseling Center for New Direction in Seminole. Comments are welcome. You may write c/o: IT!, Xpress, the Times, P.O. Box 1121, St. Petersburg, FL 33731, or e-mail Floridian@sptimes.com. If you are interested in being on the teen editorial panel, please contact Cecilia Tucker at revcecilia@msn.com.

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