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Grand Central Tying up loose ends
By PATTY RYAN, Times Staff Writer
© St. Petersburg Times
published March 21, 2003
Q. How do you explain the mountains of dirt south of Britton Plaza along Dale Mabry Highway?
A. They appeared shortly after the death of beloved Tampa vacuum cleaner magnate Bernie Epstein. Draw your own conclusions.
* * *
Q. The sign says a Lowe's is coming.
A. Camouflage. I believe this is a relocated sand berm from the Iraqi border, perhaps a fundraising effort by the Bayshore Patriots.
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Q. If the world ended tomorrow, would South Tampa land values be affected?
A. Unlikely.
* * *
Q. Would you feel safer if Kiefer Sutherland were in charge?
A. Yes.
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Q. You never told us what became of the bird on Bayshore.
A. Rescuer Charlie Mason and her husband Dave captured the cormorant on Feb. 28 and removed the four-inch hook from his neck. They took him to the Suncoast Seabird Sanctuary, where the staff fought hard to save his life.
* * *
Q. How's the bird now?
A. Let us instead think happy thoughts.
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Q. Tell us about your trip to the new Water Toy car wash on Henderson Boulevard.
A. Very cool. Very 60s. Pink, yellow and blue suds drop from the sky like smart bombs. They crash on the windshield in squiggles of color. Water blasts follow. Boom! Boom! Boom! The pollen regime is toppled.
* * *
Q. How much?
A. Seven bucks.
* * *
Q. How much for war?
A. As much as $200-billion, although no one can say for sure.
* * *
Q. How much is that per American?
A. $688, or approximately 98 car washes.
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Q. What's up with Robinson High School, Rembrandt apartments and gunshots?
A. I dunno. Plant High kids dodge low flying golf balls from Palma Ceia all the time, and no one tries to shut down the country club.
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Q. Who will be our next president?
A. In a mock election, the Internet site primetimetv.about.com gives Jed Bartlet of The West Wing a slight edge over Kiefer Sutherland, who, as you know, is government agent Jack Bauer on the television show 24.
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Q. Did you just use the words "mock" and "president" in the same sentence?
A. Not me, never. That would be unpatriotic.
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Q. These are dark days. Are there grounds for hope?
A. Most definitely. The Tahitian Inn Coffee Shop hopes to reopen next month, although they promised U.N. inspectors they would turn over the bacon and eggs last December.
Also, there's a brand new episode of 24 coming Tuesday.
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Q. What happened on the last episode of 24?
A. A nuclear bomb exploded in the desert outside Los Angeles.
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Q. And you're excited about this?
A. Things can only get better.
-- Tampa's Kennedy Boulevard was once called Grand Central. Now Grand Central is a weekly City Times column. Writer Patty Ryan can be reached at 226-3382 or pryan@sptimes.com
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