Focus on Caregivers

Anxieties are real; here's how you can cope

An important area of caregiving that rarely gets discussed is the anxiety associated with taking care of a relative or spouse.

I was invited to attend a gathering of neighbors and friends who are caregivers. Of the 17 people present, there were seven couples (the wives were caregivers for aging parents), and the others were caring for spouses. All were willing to discuss their perceived inabilities to cope with their responsibilities.

The discussion was lively. Some in the group had retired, only to experience the harsh reality of caring for a spouse. Five of the daughter caregivers worked outside the home, had children and were involved in parent care. They felt they had no time to themselves or not enough quality time with their husbands. One husband said, "We don't have any time together anymore. When we are together we talk about my mother-in-law and her needs or the next appointments."

The one sentiment they all shared was that they felt overwhelmed by the daily problems, concerns and responsibilities of caregiving.

Although group members discussed the responsibilities of caregiving -- providing transportation, coordinating medical care, cooking, shopping and cleaning -- they did not talk about their anxieties. Nor did they mention their stress of the emotional investment.

They described anxiety perfectly -- in being uneasy, apprehensive and worried about what may happen to their parent, spouse, themselves and family. But they never spoke about their fears, denial, anger, resentment and guilt.

Anxiety can come from depression and a continued sense of loss. Other sources are family misunderstandings, sibling rivalry, the burdens of unfinished business and the reality of witnessing the aging process and seeing the effects of the loved one's illness or disease.

Anxiety can be heightened because no son, daughter or spouse wants to admit when loved ones are no longer be able to care for themselves. It's difficult for us to look at their decline because we don't want to face their mortality. And most of all, we don't want to face our own mortality.

We caregivers tell ourselves that if we work hard and handle everything, we can stop the aging process and all that it brings. This self-imposed stress adds up to assuming perfection, which is a perfect set-up for feelings of guilt. There is no perfect way to care for parents, spouse or another family member.

With anxiety and the feelings that come with it, caregivers can apply some coping strategies:

Reach out -- know the community services and resources available; gather information on housing options for your loved one.

Seek help for yourself from a health specialist -- get with a counselor, psychologist or support group to enable you to handle the anxiety.

Arrange respite -- you must get away and take a break.

Know the health problems of your loved one -- educate yourself about his or her condition.

Inform family members -- ask for assistance and keep everyone updated. You can also ask for help from friends and neighbors.

Plan -- gather financial information and all legal documentation before a crisis develops.

Growing older is a natural part of living. Caregivers must learn how to take care of themselves.

For more information, including the signs of anxiety, please contact me at the address below and enclose a self-addressed, stamped envelope.

-- Ethel M. Sharp is executive director of Aging Matters Inc., a non-profit network for family caregivers and elder care. You can write her in care of Seniority, the St. Petersburg Times, P.O. Box 1121, St. Petersburg, FL 33731. When seeking more information, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope and include your telephone number, with area code.

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