Lightning

A litany of Lightning thoughts past, present

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© St. Petersburg Times
published April 24, 2003

If I were Bill Davidson, I'd call the Lightning to offer congratulations. Also, to ask where I might buy a ticket.

If I were Martin Gramatica, I'd wonder where I could buy a Martin St. Louis jersey.

If I were Art Williams, I'd offer congratulations with a case of T-shirts. On them would be one word: "Studs."

If I were Al Davis, I'd notice how Caps owner Ted Leonsis whined and moaned after his team lost a big game to Tampa Bay. Gee, I'd think. Maybe I could sue him for copyright infringement.

If I were ABC, I'd shut up instead of grumbling about the potential ratings of small-market teams in the playoffs. What would you rather show? Celebrity Mole Hawaii?

If I were Martin Brodeur, I'd be concerned about the little bug he's got. No, no, the flu, not St. Louis.

If I were Phil Esposito, this year's would be the best father's day ever.

If I were Pavel Kubina, I'd love this new sound coming from the stands. Cheers, they call it.

If I were Rich McKay, I'd think about the 64th pick in the draft this way: It worked for the Lightning and Brad Richards.

If I were Vinny Testaverde and Vinny Castilla, I'd call Vinny Lecavalier and Vinny Prospal and say this: Thanks.

If I were Derrick Brooks, I'd wonder where I could buy a Nikolai Khabibulin jersey.

If I were Steve Oto, I'd suggest that one more round would be icing on the cake. Wait. Is anyone sure Oto knows what icing is?

If I were Rick Dudley, I would remind everyone that I guaranteed the playoffs. So what if it was two years ago?

If I were Sam Wyche, I'd tell Dudley that the same thing happened to me.

If I were the Phoenix Coyotes, I'd rethink the Khabibulin trade and I'd count my change one more time.

If I were Sports Illustrated, I'd offer Jay Feaster half-off on a new subscription and the helmet phone.

If I were Lou Piniella, I'd notice the Lightning isn't scoring much either.

If I were Terry Crisp, I'd be so caught up in the deja vu that I'd scratch Petr Klima again, just for old times' sake.

If I were Jacques Demers, I'd make a prediction: "If that Great Wall of Bulin plays so well one more round, it will be kitty buy the barn, okay? If they do the base things, the Lightning will win in seven, which will be a commandable job."

If I were Miroslav Satan, I'd pick the Devils.

If I were Davidson, I'd call Mike Ilich and ask him what he's doing tonight.

If I were Richards, I'd remind people that I used to score a little bit, too.

If I were Fredrik Modin, I'd say the same.

If I were Ruslan Fedotenko, I'd say . . . well, what is the Russian word for "ditto."

If I were the Duke of Manchester, I'd talk about the Lightning throughout the next royal ball. Maybe with the Burger King.

If I were Pat Burns, I'd feel good about my depth at goaltender. After all, Corey Schwab has beaten the Lightning before. At the time, he was wearing their uniform, but that's nit-picking.

If I were Jon Gruden, I'd lend John Tortorella the rock.

If I were Tortorella, I'd drop it on Scott Stevens' foot.

If I were Tom Wilson, I'd sign Tortorella to a new contract before some other team came after him. Like, say, the Clippers.

If I were Andre Roy, I'd say it with flowers.

If I were the guy in Calgary who cut St. Louis, I'd lie about it.

If I were John Lynch, I'd wonder where to buy a Dave Andreychuk jersey.

If I were Feaster, I'd want some credit for changing the facts.

If I were Chris Gratton, I'd want some credit for changing the fax.

If I were Chris Kontos, what the heck, I'll take that $225,000 offer after all.

If I were Daren Puppa, I would defend Khabibulin from all critics.

If I were Khabibulin, I'd think it was better that Puppa has my back than the other way around.

If I were Monte Kiffin, I'd invite Craig Ramsay to lunch.

If I were George Steinbrenner, I'd think this series is going to be so delicious that I would interrupt my second-guessing of Joe Torre until it's over. Okay, I'd at least take game days off, okay?

If I were Tortorella, I'd show my players Animal House one more time. Just so they can think of Scott Niedermayer in the proper context, you know.

If I were Keyshawn Johnson, I'd wonder where to buy a Keyshawn jersey. Also, a Lecavalier.

If I were the memory of the '96 team, I'd call a doctor about this fading problem.

If I were Gruden, I'd point out that my team played pretty good in icy conditions, too.

If I were Kokusai Green, I'd get word of this to Takashi Okubo immediately. Uh, has anyone seen the guy?

If I were Brad Johnson, I'd wonder where to buy a Jassen Cullimore jersey. Also, maybe the two could share bandages.

If I were John Cullen, I'd think this was as good a time as any to release that autobiography.

If I were Tony Dungy, I'd call Dudley to congratulate him for laying the groundwork.

If I were Randy Newman, I'd love St. Louis.

If I were Warren Sapp, I'd say the heck with a jersey. That Zamboni would look good in my driveway.

If I were Esposito, I'd crack out the old "I said hockey, and they thought I said sake" line. Hey, it's funny again.

If I were Davidson, I'd be having so much fun I'd think about increasing the payroll for next year. Yep. The next round's on me.