And now, another idea on how to juice the attendance of the Devil Rays. Don't thank me. It's the least I can do.
Anyway, what we need here is fresh blood. What we need here is a familiar name. We need someone talented, someone with personality, someone with a gimmick.
What we need is this:
Annika Sorenstam, third base.
This burst of genius occurred to me earlier this week when, in a moment that shocked me as much as it will you, I found myself actually caring about the Colonial golf tournament.
It wasn't as if I meant to care about the Colonial, mind you. I was just standing in the Rays clubhouse, minding my own business, waiting for a haircut and whammo, there it was. Gee, I wondered. When is that tournament? And is it on pay-per-view?
Yep, this was surprising stuff, all right, because when it comes to sporting events the Colonial usually is right up there with the Peach Bowl, Norwegian cross-country skiing and the Death Valley Iditarod.
The Colonial isn't a bad thing. It's just another thing. You know it's out there; you just don't think about it. Like, say, Arkansas.
Most years, the Colonial is one of those vague tournaments in the background. It's like the Western and the Southern; you don't know quite when it's played, or exactly where, or who won it last. But, hey, if it's on, I'm watching. Maybe.
The Colonial? No offense, but the last Colonial champion I can name was Mel Gibson in a powdered wig, slaying that snotty Englishman who killed his kid in the Patriot, which was exactly like Braveheart only without the skirts.
Anyway, this year Sorenstam has changed things. She's competing in the Colonial, which you've not only heard about, you've had blood vessels in your forehead stand up and dance because of it. Annika seems to be making a lot of people, supporters and critics alike, very nervous. Since the day she announced she was going to play, and damn the red tees, golf traditionalists have been flipping furiously through the rulebook in search of some loophole that would prohibit a golfer from being able to shoot below par and give birth.
(Blame male athletes: They started this cross-gender competition the day Dennis Rodman wore his first wedding dress.)
If Annika misses the cut, does it say something terrible about women's golf? If she finishes ahead of 20 men, does it say something terrible about men's golf? If she finishes the day married to John Daly, does it say something terrible about choices? Yep, listening to the debate has been great fun.
Then you realize this. People are debating the Colonial. The Colonial! You want to know how far the Colonial is from being a major golf event? Phil Mickelson has won it, that's how far.
The way I figure it, the only person who is looking forward to seeing Sorenstam more than I am is Vijay Singh who, any minute now, will publish a book of sonnets to show his love for her. Now, if you read Singh's quotes early in the week, you might believe that Singh had a problem with Sorenstam playing, especially since he threatened to take his tees and go home if he were paired with her.
No, Singh said a day later. What he really told the reporter was "What a plucky little lady she is," and "Please don't hate me." Singh has been backpedaling like a cornerback playing the Rams all week.
(This just in: Tiger Woods says it's great Annika is playing, and he'd love to be there, but darn the luck, he has been informed by Nike that he has a sore knee.)
Yep, this is the real gift that Sorenstam has given the Colonial. She has made it interesting. She has made it vital. She has made it must-see.
Me? I say she spreads it around some. Things are tough all over.
Remember all those empty seats in Washington at the Caps-Lightning playoff series? Put Sorenstam in at left wing and watch that change. Not only that, Sorenstam would play a bit more at the other end of the ice, too.
How about Sorenstam playing with the Bengals? With the Clippers? In the WNBA (hey, why should she just help men's events)? Or, if she really wants to boost sagging attendance, she could appear in an Eddie Murphy movie.
Sorenstam plays, and just like that people are talking about the event. Someone should have thought about this years ago. (The truth be told, someone did. Phil Esposito thought of it, except he invited Manon Rheaume to play goalie for the Lightning instead of Sorenstam.)
Now, I know what you're thinking. After a while, this would be kind of hard on Sorenstam. After all, she does have a regular job. Why would she put up with doing someone else's job every so often just so the cameras would click and the publicity would continue? Answer: Hey, it worked for Bob Graham.
Anyway, first Annika has this Colonial event to worry about.
Is there a bit of a sideshow going on here? Is this as much about promotion as performance? You're darned right it is. Isn't it grand?
If you are of a certain age you probably remember Billie Jean King, when she was relevant, playing Bobby Riggs, when he was relevant, in a game of tennis, when it was relevant. At the time, however, Riggs was about as old as soup. Remember the old routine about the 2,000-year-old man? Riggs played the dad.
This time, it's Annika vs. the PGA Tour, for the good of the Colonies.
I say she makes the cut. I say she comes down the 18th to thunderous applause, then birdies the hole to finish 31st. Mickelson finishes 32nd.
I don't know about you, but Vijay and I can't wait.
