You're driving through the civilized streets of the city, la de dah, and all of a sudden you see in your rearview mirror a monster of a vehicle, so high its headlights are even with your eyeballs, so wide it could shove aside a small strip mall. For a moment, you forget where you are, you forget you're in Tampa where there are Starbucks and day spas, and you think you are in a foreign country in the middle of a military coup. Your fight or flight instincts kick in, and you press your foot on the accelerator.
That's what a Hummer does to you.
If you're not in it, that is.
If you're in it, it does the opposite.
The Hummer is one scary as you-know-what vehicle, and it's turning up all over town.
And once more, Tampa is divided.
There are those of us who hate Hummers and those who drive them.
"If I spent $60,000 on a car, I'd want it to be cute," a friend said.
Nobody wants to be cute anymore.
We want to be powerful. We want to be Arnold Schwarzenneger, and if we can't be him, we want our car to be him.
And now more of us - though still a relative few - can afford it.
The Hummer1, the military vehicle, has been available to civilians for awhile. But not many of us can pay $120,000 for a car, even one that can run up walls and drive through 30 inches of water - an asset, certainly, if you're on our streets after a rainstorm.
But this year, GM came out with the Hummer2. That's the one you're seeing around town. It goes for about $55,000 - no small price for a car that gets 10 to 15 mpg and needs two parking spots. It can do 80 percent of the stuff the military Hummer can do, plus it's got cool stuff the military doesn't get, like CD changers and leather seats.
That info is courtesy of salesman Mike Rodriguez at Reeves Motorcar, the only place in Tampa you can buy one.
But why would you want to?
"It's very big (6,400 pounds), it's very wide, it's very safe," he says.
Plus, he says, for the Hummer buyers, nostalgia enters in: "The H1 was such a big hero in the war. They think it's such a brutal vehicle, and they want to be part of that."
I'll bet.
But where is the war?
It's on our streets. It's kill or be killed. The Volvo station wagons we bought because they're safe now look antediluvian. The early SUVs now look like Matchbox cars next to the new giant SUVs like the Lincoln Navigator and Toyota Sequoia. But I wouldn't want to pit even one of those against the Hummer2.
And that's how GM is trying to sell the things.
An ad on the back cover of the Wine Spectator reads: EXCESSIVE. AS IN A ROME AT THE HEIGHT OF ITS POWER SORT OF WAY.
(Guess they forgot what happened to Rome.)
A TV spot featuring a pretty woman driver says: "Threaten men in a whole new way."
And the Web site, taking a dig at the once tough-guy SUV, which now has all the testosterone appeal of your mom's station wagon:
"In a world where SUVs have begun to look like their owners, complete with love handles and mushy seats, the Hummer2 proves that there is still one out there that can drop and give you 20."
Thank heavens there are still real men out there, even if they're cars.
- Sandra Thompson is a writer living in Tampa. She can be reached at Tampa@sptimes.com City Life appears on Saturday.
