I first met Roger Rosenblatt, journalist, PBS commentator, author, editor, playwright and teacher, at the St. Petersburg Times Festival of Reading at Eckerd College a couple of years ago. He discussed his book, Rules for Aging: Resist Normal Impulses, Live Longer, Attain Perfection, in which he boils down the aging process to 58 short, humorous rules for how to not take yourself too seriously.
He told me what he learned about aging, "It took some reminiscence and a matter of a few short weeks to write the book - but it took me a lifetime to learn. It's all in the willingness to change one's entire way of looking at things."
In one of his rules: "Live in the past, but don't remember too much," he says, "The present moves too fast; the future is the future. But who can tell you your past? Nobody! For myself, I increasingly find that the past is where I most want to be. You may feel the same way. But don't remember too much. I don't think I need to say any more about that."
Reminiscing can have a positive effect on anyone - at any age - but it can be particularly rewarding for older adults. It can be relaxing, especially when stories are shared with others. The memories of older adults make history come alive. What most of us have only read about, they have lived.
Encourage older parents, a spouse, relatives or neighbors to share their stories, even if you've heard them before. They can return to a time when they were stronger, younger and more confident, and it helps us get to know them.
Memory is a wonderful tool with many benefits:
It can provide them with acceptance, appreciation and affirmation from family members.
It reminds them of strengths and capabilities gained through a lifetime of working, coping, caring and achieving.
It helps them think through important issues.
It confirms them as survivors with qualities that are still useful.
It's a way of relieving stress and pressures, making peace possible where there may have been conflict in the family.
It teaches that letting go of what was negative and holding dear that which is positive is important.
For family caregivers it's good to be aware that some memories don't always contribute to greater satisfaction and self-esteem. They may lead to dwelling on past mistakes and hurts. To guide your loved one through the process, ask questions to find out what good came out of the experience, what feelings were involved and what the experience meant.
Helping others reminisce can provide a new perspective with a renewed look at their lives, and it can also help them forgive themselves and others.
I remember visiting my father in the hospital and, searching for conversation, I asked him about a girl he had dated in college. Why I brought this up was a mystery to me because we usually talked about practical matters. His reaction surprised me. He got a beautiful look on his face as he told me about being in love for the first time, the college parties and the games they attended and how sad he was when they took their first jobs far from each other after college. He became lost in his reminiscence of that time. He shared many humorous things and told how he met and married his true love, my mother. It was the beginning of a new kind of relationship with my father.
The benefit for all of us as caregivers is that we can come to know parents, a spouse and relatives on a whole new level. We may discover many positive qualities of which we were not aware or for which we never before had showed our appreciation.
Reminiscence reminds us that we can learn from our memories throughout our lives. We can also learn how to make the present count by living with a contentment born of self-appreciation through reminiscence, while realizing we are human beings, not a human has been. This realization gives meaning to quality aging with dignity, purpose and strength of spirit.
- Ethel M. Sharp is executive director of Aging Matters Inc., a nonprofit network for family caregivers and elder care. You can write her in care of Seniority, the St. Petersburg Times, P.O. Box 1121, St. Petersburg, FL 33731. When seeking more information, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope and include your telephone number, with area code.
