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HOWARD TROXLERIf the testimony had English subtitles:
SENATOR: Our investigation into Florida's malpractice crisis will resume. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?
WITNESS: (Consults with lawyer) Before saying yes, I would like to state that this decision by the Senate to put people under oath is nothing but a witch hunt and a publicity stunt.
SENATOR: Duly noted. Now, do you swear to tell the truth?
WITNESS: Okay. No, wait! I wasn't ready. Okay ... now.
SENATOR: Your name is John Smith, and you are president of St. Profiteer Medical Malpractice Insurance Co., correct?
WITNESS: Well, I am glad you mentioned that. I would like to correct the record. My name actually is "Myron Bumsmeller." John Smith is my business name.
SENATOR: Now, you previously have said that your company is "losing $20-gazillion dollars a year" in Florida, correct?
WITNESS: There might be a mistaken impression floating around about that. If anyone said we were losing $20-gazillion dollars a year, they might not have had good numbers.
SENATOR: And what are good numbers?
WITNESS: (Consults with lawyer) Ahem. The latest numbers show we are shipping several boxcars of cash out of the state each day.
SENATOR: Can you express that in gazillions?
WITNESS: Truthfully, no.
SENATOR: Let's move on. If I understand all the TV commercials and so forth, if we pass this $250,000 cap, you definitely are going to cut premiums to doctors, right?
WITNESS: (Wriggles in chair and then points behind senators) Look! It's Saddam Hussein!
(Several minutes of confusion.)
SENATOR: Order! Order! Now, where were we? Oh, yes. Did you or did you not say that if we pass this $250,000 cap, you are going to reduce premiums?
WITNESS: I do not recall. If I said that, I might not have meant it in a strictly literal sense. I mean, I'm not a nitpicky trial lawyer like you. I might have meant it in the sense of it not being entirely, 100 percent literally true, but rather true in sort of, you know, a symbolic sense.
SENATOR: Well, if we pass this cap, are insurance premiums coming down or not?
WITNESS: They will come down in the sense of, they might not - might not, I said - go up as fast.
SENATOR: So, you mean no.
WITNESS: (Long pause.) Yes.
SENATOR: Let's talk about these lawsuits. Are you here to testify under oath that the actual number of lawsuits and multimillion-dollar payouts are skyrocketing out of control and driving you out of business?
WITNESS: Well, you are asking me: Are there lawsuits? There are. Are there lawyers? You bet. Are there lawyers who file lawsuits? Certainly there are.
SENATOR: Did you by any chance watch a Donald Rumsfeld briefing before your testimony here today?
WITNESS: (Reluctantly) Yes.
SENATOR: All right. You have said that the reason so many malpractice insurance companies have pulled out of Florida is because Florida is especially bad for greedy lawyers and out-of-control lawsuits. Will you testify under oath, here today, that companies rushed to Florida to make a killing while the economy was good, but then abandoned Florida doctors when their profits went down?
WITNESS: No. I mean, no, that is not my testimony.
SENATOR: Well, is it true?
WITNESS: Senator, I resent this line of questioning. I mean, I really do. I resent having to sit here and listen to you ask questions like that. We need to focus on the real issue. The real issue is, we never want to have to pay any victim more than $250,000 for pain and suffering, no matter what they actually go through for the rest of their life.
SENATOR: Is that fair?
WITNESS: Well, you ask if that is fair. Is there unfairness in the world? There is. Will the cap exist? It will. Will ...
SENATOR: Never mind. That will be all.
WITNESS: Am I still under oath?
SENATOR: No, you're finished.
WITNESS: Then it's been a pleasure.