Funny things happened on the way to 100

Bob Hope, who died Sunday at age 100, joked that he left England as a child when he realized he couldn't be king, but he's long been known as the king of the one-liner. Here are some samples of his humor:

	Bob Hope 1903-2003
	Thanks for the numerals By Steve Persall All the words written and spoken about Bob Hope's life are suitably reverent. Sometimes, however, the measure of American icons can be found in the numbers they leave behind. Go to article He had a way of lifting spirits Funny things happened on the way to 100 The road to 100 Go to special report

On childhood:

I was Mom's favorite . . . She was always playing with me and tossing me up in the air. . . .What fun it would have been if one day she would've caught me.

Our neighborhood was tough. We had the typical gang. You know, Shorty, Fatso, Skinny, Stinky. Then there were the boys.

On getting older:

It feels great to be nearly 100. I mean, for those parts of me that still have feeling. I do the same things I did when I was 50. I just take a nap after each one now.

I consider myself very fortunate. I owe everything to my family and my make-up man. My wonderful family keeps me going and my wonderful make-up man keeps me from looking like I already went.

On his early stage career:

Those were really tough times. I wouldn't have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the audience throwing stuff at me.

On his films:

I would have won the Academy Award if not for one thing: my pictures. Oscar night at my house is called Passover.

I remember my staff asking me when I was going to retire. I said when I could no longer hear the sound of laughter. He said: "That never stopped you before."

On Vietnam:

The Vietnam War finally ended in an agreement neither side intended to honor. It was like one of Zsa Zsa Gabor's weddings.

As soon as I arrived in camp they gave me a 10-gun salute, or so they told me on the operating table.

On golf

Golf is misery with a caddy.

On show-biz colleagues:

In my lifetime I saw the Berlin Wall come and I saw it go. George Burns can say the same thing about the Ice Age. (Burns died at 100 in 1996.)

The Crickets, the Beatles . . . at least it answers the question of where our new talent is coming from . . . under the kitchen sink.

Elvis is just a young, clean-cut American boy who does in public what everybody else does in private.

On U.S. presidents:

Harry Truman: "He rules the country with an iron fist, the same way he plays the piano."

Dwight D. Eisenhower: "I happen to know why he's running for president. It's the only way he can get out of the Army."

John F. Kennedy: "Eisenhower said, "Congratulations on your victory.' And Kennedy replied, "I had to win. It's so tough these days to find a place that'll take children."'

Lyndon Johnson: "You can tell he used to be a rancher. He squeezes Republicans like he's milking a cow."

Richard Nixon: "I told Nixon to burn the (Watergate) tapes. He told me to burn my golf clubs."

Gerald Ford: "It's not hard to find Gerry Ford on a golf course - you just follow the wounded."

Jimmy Carter: "Carter wants to go to Washington. He'll feel right at home there - he was raised on a nut farm."

Ronald Reagan: "Some people are claiming that Ronald Reagan is too old to be president. But I like Ronnie. He's smart, he's honest, and he's the only candidate who calls me "Sonny."'

George H.W. Bush: "The L.A. Times gave George Bush a "C" on his first 100 days in office. No one knows what Dan Quayle got. He claims he lost his report card on his way home from the White House."

Bill Clinton: "Clinton loves to make long speeches. In fact, his will be the first inaugural address with an intermission."

- SOURCES: BBC News, Bloomberg News, Bob Hope: My Life in Jokes