It is not the stuff that dreams are made of. It is, however, about the time that usually happens.
So get up, sleepyhead.
We're going to see the Bucs.
3:17 a.m. - It is the middle of the night, and I am a genius.
The alarm goes off at Gruden time, and at once, it is all clear to me. Ideas are racing through my mind at odd angles, like pass patterns on a note pad.
I know how to get Joe Jurevicius open against the Eagles. I know how to get Michael Pittman going against the Raiders. I know that, at 3:17, I'm usually not finished apologizing for the day before.
I also know this. The snooze button is my friend.
3:26 - I fall out of bed. It is still yesterday, and I am going to see a game that will be played tomorrow. The Bucs are playing in Japan.
3:39 - I awaken the boys. Rising sons, you could call them. Cute kids. Not long ago, they looked like Tom and Huck. Now they look like Jake and Elwood. Go figure.
4 - We leave for the sports bar, traveling through the City That Often Sleeps. Some cities shimmer in the darkness; St. Pete, bless it, basks in the glow of the nearby McDonald's sign. Any minute now, I'm going to break into Sheryl Crow: "... till the sun comes up over 38th Avenue."
4:15 - We arrive at Beef O'Bradys. There is a $10 cover charge, but it includes breakfast. In other words, it's a challenge: Can you eat $10 worth of bacon? Hey, my kids are direct descendants of locusts. I like our chances.
5 - People are filing in now. In all, some 150 people will jam inside, and a half dozen will be turned away. It shouldn't be comforting to know you aren't the only nut in the city to get up to watch practice football at a make-believe time, but it is.
Looking around, it's like the fans are wearing 3-D glasses at the new Spy Kids movie. Then you realize it's their eyes.
5:06 - The season is under way, and there is cheering, and I realize one huge advantage to watching the game in a crowd. You can't hear Joe Theismann very well.
5:07 - Big play by Warren Sapp.
5:09 - Sapp leaves the game. Hey, Bambi's mom stuck around longer than this. Which is good. Bambi's mom suffered a season-ending injury.
5:18 - The cameras miss the first Bucs offensive play. Hey, it's preseason for ESPN, too.
5:28 - Martin Gramatica hits his first field goal of the year. You imagine a Japanese fan saying, "He's very good." And you imagine his friend saying, "Yes. And so tall, too."
5:31 - Just wondering: Does Theismann know a shogun from a shotgun?
5:35 - There are two Jets fans in the joint, one who keeps spelling the team name. Could this be the year for the Jets? Nope. I checked; it isn't 1968 again.
5:40 - Shaun King takes over for the Bucs. He's going to be interesting to watch this preseason because averages say a No.2 quarterback will have to start three or four games. King seems much more comfortable in the offense.
5:46 - A nice run by Thomas Jones brings a loud cheer. People seem aware he could be the team's most important newcomer.
6:06 - It's just like you have always said: If the Bucs find themselves without Keyshawn Johnson, Keenan McCardell and Joe Jurevicius, then Charles Lee might catch 100 passes.
6:15 - Halftime report: It's still dark outside.
6:32 - Chris Simms throws his first pass. To Lee, of course. Who says the kid doesn't know the offense?
6:44 - The girlfriend of My Boy Elwood shows up. The two of them are going to get pedicures later in the day. He's going to have his toenails painted black. My God, I am so old.
6:47 - Nice run by Simms, but he slides like a body being thrown out of a speeding car.
6:48 - The cameras show Sapp for only the 4,897th time during the afternoon. It's as if ESPN wants to show all the familiar faces it can, just in case Paul Tagliabue is taking attendance. So you got a play, then a long look at Sapp yelling, and a play, and a pensive shot of John Lynch, and a play, and a lingering look at Brad and so forth.
6:51 - Poor Simms. He keeps running over to the sideline, then back to the huddle, then he runs the play. The kid doesn't know if he's playing quarterback or running a 10K. He looks sharp though.
6:55 - I am so tired of Playmakers I am about to have a Clockwork Orange moment. The new ESPN series hasn't started, but by my count, there are about 79 commercials every 15 minutes.
7:02 - Simms throws his first touchdown.
7:05 - Lee, we'll always have Tokyo.
7:10 - Just wondering: Can we leave Theismann in Japan?
7:15 - Run through the checklist. Offensive line: still too soon to tell if it's better. King: a nice night. Safety: too soon to tell, though Charles Howell was beaten early. Jones: a nice night.
7:20 - The place is pretty much empty now. Except for one kid who keeps yelling at the replays. Hey, kid. It's going to turn out the exact same way the previous play did, okay?
7:35 - Rats. The Jets' Japanese player had a bigger play than the Bucs' Japanese player. Gruden is gonna be ticked.
7:45 - Game over. It's light outside. And two things pop into my head. First, what kind of moron am I to waste sleep to watch a game intent on putting me there?
Second, in only 12 hours and 15 minutes, it's gonna be on again.
